What You REALLY Want vs. What You THINK You Want

Follow the heart vs. the tangled emotions of the mind

I had an ah ha moment the other night. I have been in strange fluctuating moods the past week or so and last night I decided to sit down and confront myself. I sat down and began to journal about what was bothering me and wrote anything that came to mind. Then it sparked. I’ve been talking in my yoga classes all about moving on, to vision the future, to set goals for the new year, for change and to better yourself. I’ve been doing a ton of shifting in the last two years, and I plan to keep doing a lot more. In the midst of my evolution, I’ve become so focused on all the things I think I want for myself.  I’ve forgotten the most important piece and that is to come back and connect to what I really truly ACTUALLY want for myself.

I move unemotionally forward, with my heart guiding me, with my own love and light shining, focusing more on what I actually want. Less on what I thought I wanted.

To explain further, I realized that I have been holding in my head different ideas about past things and people that have been in my life. I know what I want so well now, I know what brings my joy, and I know what I want to work towards and have more of. However, I’ve been doing this funny thing where as I set my vision forward, I try to bring the other people from the past with me. I find myself trying to draw in more friends, wanting to surround myself with loving people and friends to hangout with. I reach out to my old college friends and people I use to see all the time. Then I get down on myself when they dont respond, no longer call me, or even care what I’m up to. Then I get so sad and confused. The same applies to partners. I’ve held this image in my head about past guys I’ve dated. That image is like a picture, I hold with me the feelings I get when they use to be around, I keep with me my idea of who that guy is, and I keep going back to who that guy was and how I think the relationship to go. I hold on wanting that image to come into present life, forgetting that is in the past, how he was, and not necessarily who he really is, or who he is now. The same goes for careers. After I got laid off I searched so hard for another job in the same industry doing what I thought was what I enjoyed and was interested in. It did not get me anywhere. I kept holding in my head that I had to get a job, I had to spend my day at work, I had be at a desk to make a good income, and I struggled for so long searching for something that I thought fit me. Well that was tough and looking back, only deflated my mood. I keep holding onto the past thing, people, lessons, and ideas, hoping that as I grow, so will they, and as I seek out and find my own happiness, I assume they do to, and that they move forward in their bliss with me.

 Sometimes you forget what you really truly want.. and then some conflict and emotions give you a friendly reminder of what you actually seek…

Silly me, I have forgotten. I have been getting so upset when friends and partners don’t keep the friendship true or workout. Only to forget to look around, open my eyes, and look at all the wonderful opportunities I have now that were not there before. I’ve been so fixated on what was, I’ve stopped looking at what is, and what can be. How silly of me to thing that as I grow and change, others wont. That’s ridiculous. People come in, and people go out, and thought they may have been a best friend, an acquaintance, or a teacher, they serve a purpose. It’s recognizing their love, their lessons, and involvement. Then being okay when people phase out, understanding that it is nothing you did, only them finding their own way for what feels right for them. For me it’s letting go of the mental image of who I think these people are. The best friend who helped me through college, who I hung out with, and would always be down for a drink. That friend was there for me at one time, and despite the wonderful times and things we shared, it may be time to accept that just like nature evolves so do we. The only thing I can control is myself and my own actions and my own happiness. A tough thing to learn, to learn to let people be, to stop thinking about who they were and that they will still serve that purpose or be that friend. When you are okay with it, you find freedom, you drop a bag, no longer dwell, and come back to that feeling of joy and acceptance, for listening to you heart and what you need, not what the mind things you need, not what the heart use to want, or use to enjoy.

I made a choice a long time ago to grow and to change and to be happy. To accept the little moments and to do things that bring me joy and elevate my spirits high. To some that’s weird. To me it feels good. Now I need to stop holding onto emotionally to people, partners, and things and trying to force relationships that are no longer there. I’m only creating more resistance for myself. My fears of leaving some friends and special people behind have been acknowledged. I’ve met them face on. I choose happiness, joy, and love. I have reached out and have expressed and given my love to all those amazing people I try to keep near and dear to me. I put my hand out there to grab. Some latched on, others turned the other way, and some did not even see it. It’s their choice not mine. I can only hope for the best for them. I have thanked them. I know now that as I choose the way I want things to go, how I want to feel, I need to stop forcing the past in fear, and instead focus on the bright future ahead, so when those new opportunities come around, ones that reflect what I really actually truly desire, I’ll be open and able to see them and blissfully invite that love in.

There is no more confusion for me about what I should be doing, why he has not called, why my best friend wont talk to me, or why relationships and things fall out of place. I’ve been so unclear and now I see the truth. Just as I change and evolve, so do others, in their own ways and for their own reasons. I free myself now from force, from holding on, and from capturing images of the past and expecations on what I think people are now. Who knows who they have become. I am me, and I choose me, want I want, and the happiness that I enjoy. That’s what matters. I move now from my heart, I invite love in, happy people, joyful opportunities, and meaningful relationships. I want people who want me around, and no longer to focus on those that no longer call. How contradicting. I focus on me, what I want, and I connect more from that place of self and love, and move forward. Once I realized this habitual pattern I’ve been doing, I found so much ease, so much clarity, and felt a sense of renewal. Like I connected the dots and finally understand why this was happening and that. I invite you to speculate what’s been making you uneasy, angry, upset, and what past ideas, images, people, have you been focusing on? Expecting them to change and meet you back on your road? You may be surprised with what you discover about yourself. For everyone that comes in is merely just a mere of yourself. Lessons to be learned and linked, when you’re able to gaze ahead and face it right on.

I’m not the person I was in college, I’m not the person I was a year ago, or maybe even a month ago. I laugh that I had expectations of the same relationships and people staying with me. No longer to I walk that line or look behind. I’ve accepted. Now I accept people for where they are at now, where they were, and what they brought into my life and helped me with. I’ve made my peace with these people, I’ve expressed my love, and those that latch on I look forward to spending more time with. Those that don’t I just accept and wish the best. I move unemotionally forward, with my heart guiding me, with my own love and light shining, focusing more on what I actually want. Less on what I thought I wanted.

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