Feeling Unloved.

Everyday I wonder if the pain will ever go away. It’s gotten better, but the deep scar that was buried long ago still creates a burning flame in my belly. That emptiness continues to come around and jar at me and force me into my own manic depression at times.

Abandonment. Unloved. Feeling Alone.IMG_0814

Shit those feelings are enough to suck you down, and tear you under. There is nothing worse than not being supported. It is a wound that has affected my whole life, in positive and negative ways.

I no longer indulge in those old self sabotaging behaviors like I use to. I think more positive, I’ve shifted many beliefs, and I’ve learned to restore my connection to me. I’ve studied, I’m sought our help, I’ve gone to ‘healers’ of all kinds, wandered alone, and I’ve done my own exploration in learning how to really truly love me.

It’s not an easy path. You have to walk it alone. In the solitude you learn so much about yourself, about others, and about the world. Somewhere in those lonely feelings, you learn to grow stronger and also realize the bigger meaning of life.

Long ago I thought we were born to grow up, work, get married, and have kids. Although that sounds easy, that system does not grant you total fulfillment. Actually, thinking you need to get all that usually keeps you from getting what you really desire.

I use to wonder why I grew up in such poor conditions, and why I was not able to have a family that really loved me and supported me. As a kid I had these big dreams and high hopes, and crazy passion for all sorts of things. Trauma can damage and the outside world can influence you and tell you that you’re unworthy, unlikable, unacceptable, and unable to be yourself.

It stung me hard the day my parents separated, and my Dad left. Growing up alone, as a child, is probably the scariest thing you will ever experience. You’re taught all these morals and virtues in school about family love and loving your family. But what about when you family does not love you?

I’ll tell you in my experience, it makes you suffer. It makes you grow wounds, torment, and all sorts of limiting beliefs that cause you to catastrophes and develop in unhealthy ways. Unloved. That scar can burn you forever unless you choose to grow out of it.

That pain wrangled me as a kid. Back then, I was not allowed to voice my opinions, speak  up, and my emotional nature, was frowned upon. They say big girls don’t cry. I believe the best girls do cry. Because human empathy is the greatest gift, and something our world has lost touch with in many ways. It makes me sick to see how people treat each other, and how their own minds dictate them and cause them to behave in bad ways. The pain inflicted on me when I was young, and growing up, casted many scars.

People have called me insecure, hit me down for speaking up, and don’t like me because I tell people when they hurt me. Isn’t ironic though? We all want to feel loved, and accepted, and live in the world, yet most of us are unable to be happy with each other and actually treat each other well. Now I think it’s funny, in a sick kind of way, how humanity has developed.

Long ago I use to shield the pain, and pretend it wasn’t there.

That got me know where, and limited me in many ways. I started to grow, face my fears, and was determined to get over the pain and break free. In the process, I grew tremendously. Thought there are those rocky highs and lows, and moments when the past does resurface. I know now what it is. I confront it, I sit with it, and I have learned, every day, to continue to love me.

I was born on the planet to make a difference. I was not born to suffer. I certainly was not put here to be put down my others, or to allow others to knock me down. Most sensitive people develop all kinds of walls and blocks and ideas because others are more ruthless, angry, and mean. It’s true being sensitive, loving, kind, and empathetic, is not easy in this world.

Everyday I’m learning.

Despite what that those other people are doing, you have to love them anyway, from a distance, because they know no better. They may cause you pain, try not to take it personally. The pain is temporary, if you let yourself move through it. Holding onto the fears, or continuing to let people hurt you won’t put you in a better place.

Truthfully, you can change yourself, change your mind, and develop. You can’t change others. Those people that truly love you, and accept you, and want you in their lives, will always comes around. I believe the best people will support you for being you… with the pain, in the pain, and in the hot messy process of who you are becoming.

Keep those people around. They are the ones you want. The others don’t matter. Even if you feel lonely sometimes, know you are never alone. Those feelings are simply emotions, helping you changing, helping you move forward, and showing you what can be transformed so you can live better.

The best gift, and the best journey, anyone can be brave enough to take, is learning to love yourself. Not just treating yourself well, but really richly knowing who you are, and being fearless in becoming the best version of you. Loving you has nothing to do with your past, or partner. It has everything to do with who you are, how you show up, treat others, talk to people, and how willing you can love with an open heart.

The truest love of all is within. No one can make that, be that, or create that.

Only you can step into loving you, and let go of whatever is keeping you from that happy loving, peaceful, and great place.

Love Yourself. Know Yourself. Be Yourself.

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**Liberation**

Liberate & Let Go ~ In Love

Where I live it does not feel like Fall. The sun is shinning the heat is high and the waves are still rolling. Something else is crashing and changing in San awesomeDiego. The heat wave is merely an example of the chaos and confusion I’ve personally experienced the last few months. We need to let go of what we think we know is good and best, and love. Open you heart, breakfree, and stop thinking. You don’t know what is best for you. You think you know. You find freedom by liberating yourself and breaking the barriers that are holding you back. You open up – trust you inner stillness – and let the beat of your heart carry you forward in remarkable ways.  You choices carry you forward. What holding you back from your inner beauty and awesomeness you were born to live? Liberate by letting go and accepting it’s time to make a change – within yourself, and with the rest of the world – to open our hearts more, be honest, and live connected to our heart center.

 

This massive planetary shift is happening. October is the month I deem of awakening where things will need to happen so we can all be on board with what we need to do to help this world transcend. Can you feel the liberation in you life? Opportunities are coming in, flowing in, for us all. We are ready and prepared to go forward, or are you holding yourself back in lower dimensions? Release the fear and replace it with trust. Know you are here for a reason and your spirit is asking you to freely fly forward.

Liberate yourself from the old and march on. People, thoughts, jobs, and ego patterns hold you back. They keep you binded and blocked from your loving potential. Let go. I see this Fall as a shift in everyones life, whether you are consciously aware of it or now. Things have to fall apart so they can be put back together – better. It’s natural order. The universe supports you with your choices, even if you hold on. I can promise more freedom for you, for your heart, when you stop trying and holding. Be You. Drop the worries, fears, and tap into your heart to connect and help you open up. You know people that you like to be around, you know who empowers you and deflates you. You know what things you do because you think you ‘should’. Get rid of it all and liberate your ego. Let your spirit take you forward with ease and grace, so we can all fly high together.

 

What is Liberation?

– The ability to feel good in your own skin

– To be honest with yourself, with who you are, and express yourself in loving ways that honor you and others

– To stop holding onto people who bring you down and don’t serve you in your best

– To take action where you need in your life to feel better and be happy

– To smile daily and let yourself walk your own path, despite what others are doing, saying, or reacting

– Accept yourself as you are, the things that are happening, and to love yourself most

 

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