What I’ve Learned About Love.

Love.

A funny subject, I think we all are quick to think to know and eager to grasp to have. When you step back and stop seeking or trying to get love, you begin to evaluate the deeper meaning of the word.

Love is more than partnership, romance, holding hands, or anything that has to do with having another person.

Love is so much more.

What I’ve learned, is that until we are willing to let go of those old fairy tale concepts of love, we will never attain real love.

That emptiness and longing deep inside will continue to stir us and eat us alive, as we ignorantly ignore the inner call of our heart, and surrender to our desires. Our mind will validate a million reasons on why we need to keep the person around, and why it has to work, and why they are the one…. yet they will never be the perfect happy ever after we dreamed of — until we individually tap into our own true heart, and understand who and what that is.

Love is abandoned the moment we are caught up in the mind. Our fear and inner desires will caught us to chase love and hold love because we subconsciously think we need love to survive.

What’s worse, is we miss the love we crave until we are able to forge that deep connection, dive in, and expand our awareness in order to live fuller from the heart.

Believe me, this is a scary and intense process. No one ever teaches us to live from the heart, let alone, allows us to be ourself fully. I do think the hardest human thing to do is to own your authenticity and step out of the patterns and self loathing traps we all put ourselves in. What I mean is, the minute we seek love from another, and chase love, and force our way into love, we automatically abandon our opportunity of real love. Often, we get so stuck in toxic relationships that we fail to see where we are in fact flawed and the walls and issues that are causing us to withhold love. In this process, we usually hurt other people.

For example, someone in my close family is getting married this year. I have yet to receive an invite. Yet, I’m being optimistic I may get an invite or save the date, last minute. Who knows. See this gal he found claims to love him, yet won’t allow him to be with his family. In fact, they’ve both said some mean things about us and refuse to come around for holidays, and blame a certain family member for most of their problems. It’s sad for me being the witness and watching how much destruction this girl is causing everyone. She won’t admit it or acknowledge it. In her lens of reality, she’s perfect and did not thing wrong. Unfortunately, with my psychology background, I see different. Her insecurities and the internal wounds she holds will continue to have her think she’s a victim of the world, and she will continue to blame other people for her reactions and rude behaviors. It’s ironic that she thinks she can wed and mature with a wedding, when she can’t even have a conversation without getting defensive, reactive, or hurting the other person.

It’s this kind of loveless behavior that makes me cringe. While we humans often think love is about getting the guy and creating a family, we usually miss out on actually reading love within first. Our ego gets so full of ourself we lust, act out, defend, and react, to get the love we think we need. Instead of loving ourselves, growing into ourselves, and becoming loving people, we cling the a fantasy of what we think will save us and make us secure.

Sorry ladies and gents, that kind of thinking won’t work. Especially women, any girl that’s relying on a man to save them and take care of them forever is totally obvious to reality. People suffer and divorce when they close their heart and fail to love openly, lovingly, and peacefully.

To develop love it takes more than a partnership. We all must develop it within. No easy task though, to face your shadows, deal with your demons and admit you’re flaws. Self love is not a normal human thang. Probably cuz it’s easier to avoid. However, we can only rely on ourselves to unlimitedly give us love forever.

Even when the hype of marriage is over, the wedding bill comes, the honeymoon phase is done, and the kids have grown old, hopefully, if you’re lucky and did love well, you still have a lasting relationship and fulfilling life. Unfortunately that’s rare in this world. We have been so conditioned out of love, I believe, most of us are clueless in how to live with it. We continue to act out our subconscious fears, settle for love, and fear love. In our own insane search for the partner and romance, we usually suffer and give into what our heart is really saying. We ignore the call saying there is someone better, and settle for a limited deadline to happy ever after. This goes for kids too. We want what we want and we do whatever we can to get it, thinking we are in control and can manipulate our reality to obtain our desires.

While this seems dandy and great in the moment. It causes long term consequences. If you’re not willing to love and create love and develop love, chances are the foundation you have is rocky and faulty. We all must take it upon ourselves to learn to love better and become more open. We can listen with open hears, hear people, change our perspective, and become more loving people. That is, only if and when we are able to open our mind, surrender our ego, and attempt to bridge a connection with our heart.

It is the heart that loves. It is the heart that tells us the truth. The problem is we get stuck in the head. We live our life for the purpose of getting the fairy tale, only to find our own mind filters deceive us and people we think we our soulmate never seem to fit that role forever. The secret to love, is knowing we have many soulmates. Settling on one is silly. Yet, missing you chance to love and open your heart to another person, leaves you in the same unloving state. We all must take chances with love. It’s not easy. We will cry, get out her broken, wonder why, and mess up. Yet, I’ve learned, that not loving is the biggest sin of all.

Living a life where we are isolated, closed off, disconnected, and upset, causes depression and suffering. To love takes courage. Not everyone is ready to open their heart fully. I think we have to practice who we love and how. I do believe everyone wants love, though most are fearful of it. If not that, they are terrified of loosing love, being themselves and having to face themselves and their unloving pieces. The prison is all of ours to have and act out in this lifetime.

Which will you choose? Love or fear? Can we maintain a connected state, rather than disconnecting, closing down, and falling into those patterns that serve no one. To love another human being, whether it’s a mate, friend, stranger, student, teacher, or more, is a gift. Those gifts come and go if we let them. It’s healthy to have an open heart, remain unattached about what love needs to look like, and instead start living love.

I mean in every moment. Keep your heart open, keep your fears at ease. Cultivate love because you can. When that heart gets hurt, keep breathing, and love more. Honor the soul inside who dared to do what others can’t, and tried to love, even if people were closed off and unwilling to love. Love can change us all. It’s a matter of recognizing our humanness, knowing we are all trying to figure it out, and gaining perspective to help us. Connecting to another soul, a human heart, is how we love better and can deepen the love we hold and give.

Love on. Love fearlessly. Love endlessly. Never stop loving.

Let those specials souls come into your life, and love for the sake of loving…

When Sorrow and Demons Arise

Everyone in their life faces a moment, or perhaps many, when sorrow, depression, and other demons arise. Most people bypass them and ignore them. Our society is set up to numb, ignore, and do everything but confront the demons that often are drowning us and keeping us from happiness.

Yet, contrary to what we are taught, it is in acknowledging those demons we are actually able to grow and overcome the fear that failures that are keeping us from living fuller and better.

What’s haunting you? We have many layers of our being. Mental, emotional, physical, and a deep subconscious that harbors all sorts of garbage. All of it holds us back in life, if we let it.

When these feelings, mental agitations, and emotions come up, we have a choice – to confront, feel, and allow – or – to disconnect, suppress, and ignore. For some this is also the que to take some medications and run to the dr for help. There is no easy remedy when we are faced to deal with ourselves, and confront the layers within us that are keeping us stuck, unhappy, heavy, and insincere.

Too often when these demons get triggered we react and respond out of agitation. It’s also normal to run the other way, ignore, and fail to confront the real problem. When we blame others or think it’s someone else, we actually fail to resolve our own insecurity and issues. Ironic right? We think people trigger us and we label them as bad. Our own judgment and thoughts on how life should be and people should behave cause us to get agitated and let our demons control us. Those are the demons… and the issues… that keep us from having a real open mind.

We may suffer forever, cause separation, live isolated, and continue to wonder how we can improve our life, relationships, body, self, unless we are willing to see our demons, identify our strengths and weaknesses, and integrate our whole self into our best self.

We all have issues and problems. No person on the planet is perfect. It is our imperfections that actually help us, if we can overcome things and not get trapped and stuck. It can be scary to feel into ourselves, who we are, and see our darkness. Yet, to live better, we must battle the demons, and help ourselves live better. Sorrow and sadness can be overcome. It’s actually easy once you break through the barrier of fear and learn how to live well. Every step we take to resolve the unconscious and act different, and break the habits, help us in our own journey of bettering ourselves.

The wounds and insecurities and darkness will constantly eat at us and kill us from the inside out. We all can overcome the battle, and resolve the barriers that may be keeping our heart from fully loving and fully allowing. Love does begins with us. If we are not in that state yet or receiving it from the external world, we all can kill the demons, conquer our fears and insecurities, and overcome anything that is keeping us from living happy, feeling loved, and enjoying our life and who we are.

Kill the demons. Let go. Let fear be stabbed because you chose to move into a state of growth. Rather than seeing things as lessons, change the pattern, do something different, and know those mental things and other people are never the ones that are keeping us from peace and love. The demons will continue to be there, until we acknowledge them, integrate them, and find inner balance and harmony so we can live with them and even let them go.

Love is Painful.

I’ve been caught in the turmoil and highs and lows of love a lot. I’ve learned a lot each time. You know, even those toxic partnerships can show you a lot about yourself and teach you. Yet, even with the heart breaks, I still continue to experience the pain and growth when it comes to love.

Even when you do the work on yourself, commit to loving you, open your heart, and comfort our demons, there are always issues with love.

For me I use to reject love all the time. I’d miss out on opportunities, get lost in the future, and forget about living in the present. Often own fantasy would play our in my mind in how people and partners need to be. In my own feminine state, I’d stay silent, reserved, and never speak my feelings and share myself bigger with another person. Wow, hard lesson learned. However, I do grow through love, and have become less fearful, more open, and loving.

For better and worse, it scars people. Sometimes being too open and connected to the heart causes others fear. That’s a more painful state than ever being ignorant of love.

So I don’t know what the answer of love is. Can we be vulnerable and open human beings? Does love show up to help us? I believe it. Is there fate or freewill in love? Or are we all wanting love, and unable to know how to get it, attract it, and live with it? Are we mere players in this field, trying to get a love that doesn’t exists. Perhaps we settle because the deep love we crave and want is too complicated. Facing our own fears, creating depth, and emotional intimacy is far from what we learned or are willing to connect to.

Hmmm….I still don’t know. I do know that love cannot be seen or felt until we are internally willing to tap into it. We can miss a lot of opportunities when we are disconnected. We can put blinders on, make excuses, and settle for love because it’s easy. Avoiding love, or our heart, and intimacy, never ever gets us the love we really desire, or a love that lasts long term.

Loving fully is not easy. It’s worth it though. Being able to be embodied in yourself, your emotions, your truth, without fearing or missing an opportunity, is the most loving thing you can do for you. Even when the other person runs, refuses to respond, or negates and ghosts ya, you can know in your heart you attempted to create love when the opportunity showed up.

For me, it’s actually finding love and experiencing it internally that messes me up. When love shows up and we are unable to connect, communicate, and come together – it is the most painful and confusing thing of all. It hurts. It hurts when partners and people can’t see their glory, or are unwilling to dive deep into themselves. I see soul, and I know love when it shows up, and its a heartfelt reminder of the love that exists beyond time and space. Even if i this reality, people and partners don’t come together, there are always moments and souls that remind us of our greatness, force us to confront our darkness, and show us how to love better.

Personally, if you have a soul mate that allows you to be you, and reminds you of who you are, then I think that’s gold. Whether or not they last forever or are able to love ya on deeper levels, stay grateful. Allow the pain of them leaving to move through you, release attachment, stay in the moment, and know we are only capable of loving as we dare to love ourselves, and be open for others to love us too.

The pain and heartbreak is a lesson. Crying helps move the emotions. Yet, it never means love is lost. We may never get the truth or answer, and those mysteries and questions in our mind may remain forever. For it is the fear of loving and the not knowing, that confuses love. A heart can feel, know, and see, yet with out the experience and communication and speaking of love with others, it all remains a painful confusing thing. I suppose it’s easier to let that kind of love go, near confront our hearts, and live life without expression because it’s what we know.

I think love is better. Love is worthwhile. Even with pain, we can help each other love better, if we are willing.

Dead Butterflies.

Yesterday I took a walk along the Cali coast. I walk this path often, almost daily. It’s a short and beautiful walk along the 101 in Encinitas, California, with a view of Swamis beach. Anyways, this particular day, I happen to see all sorts of dead butterflies.

I look up often when I walk. However, I couldn’t help but notice the trail of dead butterflies below me. I also didn’t want to step on them. It was peculair. I’ve never experienced so many dead butterflies.

Today I walked the same path. Opposite of yesterday, I saw an overwhelming amount of butterlifes flying along the coastline. They were everywhere. Dead butterflies were no where. The trail of dead butterflies that exsited yesterday were gone, not to be seen, or present.

As I was in a new and different state than the day before, so was my walk, and outer reality.

Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor for life? The fact that we can die in every moment, witness and experience death, yet always start fresh the next day. When death calls us, it is chaotic. Death is unsettling, uneasy, and transformative. It is death that teaches us all how to live better though. Sometimes we have to go through our own process, to die internally, leave situations, break bonds with people, and evolve beyond our perspective and experience, in order to thrive better.

Every moment there is death. We can experience the highs and lows of life, and choose how we maintain our own awarness. When death shows up what do you do? Does depression suck ya down, and do you let your mind take over? Or can you keep walking, trusting, allowing, and witness the death process that is helping you be reborn?

I think surrender is the ultimate call and solution. When death shows up, we can reject it, stay crazy in our mind, get fearful, and become sad and insecure. I’ve been there. On my walk with the dead butterflys I realized that death is the process that naturally helps us walk better. We may not know why things happen in the moment, but death lets us grow, so we can become the person we are meant to be, if we allow it.

In this moment, I’m going through my own death. I’m purging my past, I’m letting go, I’m emerging more full within my self. I’ve disconnected from emotional issues, trauma, and overcome stories of the past and from my childhood. I’ve suffered so much death the last 7+ years that it’s been unsettling. But death gives us clarity and rehabs us out of our suffering, if we trust it, and help ourselves grow.

On my walk I realized the beauty of death. Those dead butterflys were symbols of my own self, and the ego and soul that shed layers in order to die and kill off that old persona. We don’t know when our time is to go and leave this physical reality. We also don’t know how much some of us suffer in order to live better. LIke a butterfly teaches us, transformation is necessary in order to fly higher.

So I suppose that’s my lesson, and the beautiful metaphor that I witnessed on my walk in nature. A smile took my face today as I walked that same path, filled with a new perspective, and more aware of the death I was internally processing and going through.

We can only know this when we dare to turn within, excavate the possibility of becoming someone better, and let ourselves shed the layers that keep us from flying lighter and living better.

We all can trasnform our past, shift our perspective, and see the possibilities of reality and what that means within ourself. We have to become aware though.

Like butterflies take time to heal, and go into their own cacoon, as humans, we must too allow our own time to bloom. Being in our own quiet solace and enjoying our own company can help us strenghten our own beauty within. With patience, and in time, we do blossom. We can all let go of the chains holding us back. We can trust our own process  of evolution. We can walk lighter, in recognizing nature, our own connection to it, and our own ability to live with it, in harmony, and in glorious ways.

The transformation is always there, daily. We must show up for it and see it and appreciate it. We can muse within our mind our own fear and suffering. The way to rise beyond the limited physical reality, is to see the bigger picture, learn the lessons, and identify how we are part of the process, and infinitley connected to nature, ourselves, and eachother.

Be the butterfly that flys. Trust your own process. Walk your path. Shift your perspective. Let the world help you understand what you’re doing through, and your cycle, and rythm in it. Be like the butterfly that transforms. Trust the timing. Trust yourself.

Keep walking. See the magic. Connect with nature. Transform yourself by living in your reality and the beautiful metaphor and masterpiece you can be creating – in every moment.

Facing the Confusing Reality of Love.

Love. In it’s very existence it seems like an easy topic. Something somewhat intuitive, simplistic, and easy…. yet we all know love does get complicated. No matter how much I work on myself, engage in self love, and try to pretend it doesn’t bother me, I still question what the real purpose and reality of love is.

Is it destiny or fate? Is it possible to meet a love so real, that you just know it exists without question? Or is it all fantasy and filters projecting what we want to see?

When you think about it, love is complicated and complex. I think some people, myself included, fall too easy, fall to hard, and hold a loving heart for those that pulse to a similar rhythm and vibe. Yet, I wonder if men and males experience the same thing.

The more I grow stronger within my own heart, the more I trust it, and cannot deny the special people who activate it more.

Is there such thing a love at first sight? Do we as humans, just know? Or is loved developed and more a process of getting to know one another to see if they work out in the bigger plan? Personally, I think love is an undefinable soul connection. However, we never know what that connection is meant to do to help us individually get closer to love.

I do believe love is a painful and a challenging process. Anytime we are asked to grow bigger in our heart, there are growing pains, and probably some problems. Fear can doubt us and our own filters can talk us out of love often. Love can also cause us to be impulsive and a bit silly. (very guilty of that).

Yet, I think at some level of awareness, deep down, we also know when love is present. When we reach the barriers within ourselves that can overcome the fear and programming we’ve been taught, we have no choice but to play, explore, and question what that love really is.

Lucky it is to meet another soul, who loves at the level you do, and teaches you to love better.

Love gets complicated, and usually we get in the way of love. Our mind and feelings can disrupt the real love we seek and see. As a woman, I can say I think we intuitively feel more, and probably sense that connection before the male is ever aware of it. I could be wrong of course. Or perhaps as woman, we are creating it, and the depths of our imagination are romanticizing about the love we wish to create. I’m really not sure.

I’d like to believe love is real and eternal. The love that’s meant to stick around will… even if ya fuck it up. 😉

What I’ve learned, is love comes in many forms. We don’t consciously choose who we fall for. I think we make bad mistakes in love until we are able to grow more loving in ourself. I know that first love, is never the love that’s meant to be forever. Because without lovingly embodying yourself and granting love to you, the perfect mate can’t exist, even if you think he does.

Love comes from choosing yourself, loving yourself, being yourself, and taking your life to your own level to fully create what you want, as you want it. I do believe and know the right people show up to support you, when you honor you. We don’t know who is meant to have us in our own pursuit of life, love, and happiness.

That’s all a mystery. I do believe when we are courageous enough to go after our goals, and create the foundation within ourself, somehow, the right person will meet us and match us. Perhaps I’m a dreamer and full of wishful thinking?

I recently met a man. We had a ton of synchronicity and all I can say is the universe really did conspire to bring us together. He intrigued me from the beginning, and when I really met him officially (we had some run ins before) I instantly wondered who this person was. I’ve learned my lessons in love and having a heart wide open. I have put up boundaries because of that. I’ve learned to rush less and get to know people more.

What hooked me about this guy was his ability to be real, and be himself, and something intrigued me. I guess my subconscious was manifesting a soulmate, because I’ve always wanted a man who can know me and get me and be my best friend.  After getting to know this guy as a friend, on the best level that I could, I saw a vision and it freaked me out. It was as if I woke up from my fantasy and in a moment saw that everything I ever wanted was right in front of me. Let me tell you, that creeped out!

As much as I’d love to say magical things happened between us… they didn’t really. Confusion strung me out as he went after another girl, yet continued to talk to me. Maybe he is just a nice guy. Maybe he felt nothing for me. I don’t know. Maybe he’s still contemplating in his own head the possibility of loving and however I fit into that picture. I don’t know in this moment. I do know he makes me laugh, and when he’s around my heart flutters in warmth and expands as something static comes over me, and I can’t help but feel better within myself.

I’ve reflected on what he is teaching me.He’s the first guy who’s actually accepted who I am and encouraged me in who that is. He’s a total sweetheart (from what I see). Yet, he’s not mine to have, at least now. Maybe he is an illusion, something I manifested to help me love better. I want to hope we are still working things out, yet I don’t know. If I’m lucky, i’ll get a friendship out of it, but it doesn’t seem he wants that now. So I have to help myself move on, be okay with the not knowing, and let him be. (not easy)

Maybe we will come together in the future, in a less fictions way, more real, more depth, more human connection and realness between us. I can only dream and imagine. I’d like to hope so. It’s never fun leaving things open ended, and for me, it causes more confusion.

I’ve reached the conclusion that love is probably more about the fear of loving and the desire to love, than the actual act of loving. I think we all get stuck in our own illusions and fantasies because we so deeply crave love and want to have it. I’m learning to trust in love, and allow love, no matter what the love is.

For me, the moment love hits, I can’t avoid it. As a women, and to be honest, I also don’t know what to do with it. My impulses get me every time. Sometimes I act, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I deny it. Yet, for me, those feelings don’t ever die. Even if I never see the guy again I still wonder about the love that was, if it was real, and what it meant. Maybe we don’t always get answers in love, or get to choose, or get clarity on why things happen as they do. Or maybe we are all fearful of love and our own act of expressing love gets us all afraid. Or maybe there’s a game I don’t know how to play, and we are all pawns trying to figure it out.

When we let love go, I suppose we all see, if the love is meant to be.

I do think being open in love is the best way to live with love. We can all close down, be fearful, and think we are unworthy of love. The truth is we are all worthy, yet we must believe in love ourselves, and the possibility of love.

It’s our journey to love. It’s personal, painful, unexpected, and individual to us all. Some marry fast, divorce, break up, or live forever unhappily. I believe we all have the ability to evolve and create our own happy ending. Who it’s with? Well I’m really not sure.

If love has taught me anything, it’s that every opportunity that shows up is our gift an opportunity to love deeper. Even if love doesn’t work out the way we want, or the other person leaves or restrains in fear, all we can do is continue to love. I guess we all have to trust that right love and the right things will always come back and be ours, if it’s meant to be.

“If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours”

Maybe we are all meant to love for the sake of loving, yet we forgot. Maybe we are all closed, insecure, afraid, and curious, and wanting to love, yet clueless as to how. Or maybe love just takes time. Maybe we have to trust our own process, know our hearts, feel our hearts, and express what’s there for us to explore.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is easy. Love is unexpected.

I suppose we all must do the best we can to love better. Maybe we can become more honest, more secure, more present, and more able to cherish the love we have in the moment. Or maybe we are meant to let love find us, and let the fairy tale evolve by allowing men to choose us and chase us. I’m still not sure. However, I am dreamer, and I think we all want that fairytale. For me, I know that love of all kinds can help us. Being open in love, friendly, kind, and sharing special moments can really help broken hearts heal and open hearts evolve.

So maybe the reality of love is that is that it’s present every day and in every moment. Maybe our challenge is to disregard what we’ve been taught and how it’s suppose to be. Instead of waiting or thinking, I think we all need to soften and surrender.

Then, be wiling to take a chance on love, trust our heart, and not let an opportunity go by failing to acknowledge love and be present in love.

Life moves fast. I’ve missed many opportunities in love. I think we all need to take love less seriously and choose to love because we can. When you find love, feel it, and experience it, do whatever you can to savior it. Rare is a person or love that opens our heart, makes us a better human, and connects us on deeper levels than we can imagine.

So love baby love, Quit thinking. Start doing. Explore your own ideas and fantasies around love, your heart, and the connection to your soul.

Love for the sake of loving.

The Life Changing Yoga Class

Hey Hey,

So I’m a Yogi… I mean I’ve spent far too many hours in the yoga room teaching, breathing, taking classes, and learning how to bend and touch my toes. haha. Seriously. I’m sure the yoga trend is annoying to the common man, however to me it’s been life changing.

I’ve taken many classes, experienced some teachers, and tend to have the kind of personality that sticks with WHO I like. Yup. If I resonate with you, I’ll see ya regularly. I can sincerely say, there are few teacher that I really really love and resonate with fully and completely…. however, that’s another post and long subject matter.

Today I took a class that changed my life.

Now, I have had many life changing ah-ha moments, and a ton of super feel good juicy classes that I’ve walked out of inspired. I can tell you I’ve experienced exceptional yoga classes that seem to somehow ‘hit me’ right where I needed at the moment, on that day. Today was one of those days… however, today was exceptional. It wasn’t until alter, after I basked for a few hours in the bliss that I experienced, that I realized how truly changed I had become, and am now able to reflect on the profound hour I had today.

So I walk into my friends yoga class, who had apparently forgotten that I was coming, and in the locker room she greets me with a hug, huge smile, and loud hello and shock that I showed up. Right away I felt the love, and was happier to be there. I said to her, “I’m so excited to see what you have planned for class.” hahaha. In my inner mind I intuitively knew whatever she had crafted would be what I needed to hear.

… So carry on into the yoga class, she walks in, enthusiastically and greets us and immediately gets to her point, I mean the theme of the class. She talks about the inner ‘cave’, something often unspoken, unheard of, and very foreign in this western yoga culture. While she preaches with a kind flirty attitude she tells us about this ancient yoga philosophy and how the whole point of yoga is not the outside world, but actually taking it inside. In fact, the inner yoga journey is the hardest and more challenging aspect of yoga…. hence why most people don’t go there, or any where near that ‘path’.

The inner cave that yogis speak about, is actually tuning inside ourselves and learning to reconnect to the heart. The whole purpose of yoga, to me at least, is learning how to create love inside, and how to feel those blissful sensations in every moment and every waking day, so that we can all vibe in our highest potential, which is LOVE.

(Alright, enough about that, I think that’s enough to get you centered)

Ironically, the whole class was structured around backbends. A smile lifted to my face because backhanding is my favorite thing to do in yoga… and with this specific teacher, I love it because she leads my in safely and helps me ‘go deep’. hahaha cliche I know. Seriously, there is something to be said about someone who knows how to teach yoga, properly set us up, and put us in positions that actually align and help our body. (no joke). When you can bend, and be safe, and no break, the experience is unlike anything else.

So I’m hyped up, excited, ready to open my heart and dive into my inner cave. Yes, she does just that. With a symphony of appealing music, and her own heart of gold, she leads us through some warmups, and a fast body set up and flow. In her instructions she constantly reminds us, legs strong. It wasn’t until later she brought it all together and showed us why we need our legs strong…. the legs must be strong to support and open the heart. WOW. Bliss bomb realization right there, in that moment! (Okay, you really had to be there for that one, but I post it anyways).

Are you ready for the kicker? I mean the part that changed my life?

Here it is…

After moving, shaking, bending, backhanding, and doing a totally new version of my all time favorite pose, CAMEL, we eventually reach the floor. On our backs, I thought we were done…. but no not yet. I’m ready to just be, fully tap out, close my eyes, escape, and something inside me reminds me to be present. See i have a good tendency and bad habit to tune out totally and be in my own blissful world in yoga. haha. I had to keep reminding myself to stay here, and be here now.

My teacher says, “well, we are almost done. Two rounds of wheel pose now.”

I gasp inside. Another favorite pose! I love this pose because in the past, I’ve always been able to do it and no matter how depleted I feel, I go for it anyways. Except now, I wasn’t feeling it. My arms hurt, my wrist hurt, and I had to dig to find my strength. I pushed my willpower and told myself I can do this. So I did. I pushed up into wheel, held it, felt it, cracked my heart open, and came down. I already decided I’d sit the second one out. I’m a cautious person, and I have wrist injuries and can’t do chadrungas or anything crazy on my hands. Man, were they killing. Then my teacher spoke…

I don’t know exactly what she said. I can tell you she brought the class full circle. She said one more pose, wheel. Okay, we knew that. Then she added, for a timed minute. Oh shit I thought. She went on to say, that opening the heart is not about what we do on the outside, it’s about the opening on the inside, and how devoted we can be. She used the word FORTITUDE. (Forgive me, because you had to be in the moment to witness her words and experience the real dialogue). Regardless, it obviously hit me, and motivated me. I told myself, with everything about my life, and everything that has gone wrong, and all the failures I’ve endured, I still cannot give up…. Because that is the yoga path.

It’s not linear, it’s not straight, and it certainly is not a scripted easy version of reality. In fact, the moment you veer off that other path, the one most people live, you want to turn around and run. Because roadblock and hard lessons and obstacles will hit you. You will be challenged more than you knew humanely possible. When you cross that bridge, there is NO going back. I mean, once you wake up to reality, it’s like, “fuck, why did I do this?” Okay, sorry for those who have no idea what I’m saying. Seriously, the inner path of yoga is where you take your own yellow brick road ride of life and get transformed. I mean in more ways than you know. Nothing and no one can save you, and in the darkest moments all you can do is remind yourself that one day everything will be okay…. and yes pray and chant and breathe and sincerely bow down and do whatever it takes to stay alive.

I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just letting you know, that inner cave is not found easily. However, when you get a glimpse of it, its something so surreal that something deep inside calls you and almost forces you to keep going after ‘it’. After all, no treasure is found easily, everything is always developed, designed, and discovered, after many test and trials. Okay I got off subject… back to the class….

So I get my courage and I tell myself I’m going to do it. I erase the fear based thoughts, the worries, and ignore the pain in my wrists. I go for it. I push up into bridge. The timer starts. I feel strong in the legs, open in my heart. Dam it feels liberating. Then my wrist literally feel like they are doing to break and explode. PAIN. I’m in the moment, I know I can’t quit. No way. The mat practice is a total reflection of life, and what happens outside. With what I’m going through in my own life, I knew quitting would be the old me. See, I’ve learned to become a fierce warrior…. So I carry on. Then the teacher changes the song, turns up the music, and as if we are in a movie a SOULFUL ‘take me to the river’ song plays on LOUD while we backbend and open our heart to a bigger force beyond us. (Sappy I know, but in the moment, totally persuading).

Without thinking, my own instinct has me come down to my forearms, while in wheel pose. There is probably a fancy name for this pose, I don’t know it. Imagine me in wheel pose, heart open, head back with my forearms on the ground pressing my head and chest up. I struggle at first, and then I’m actually amazzzzed I am in it. How the hell  did that happen? I shocked myself. See I’m not the flexiest yogi, and my shoulders are rarely that open. (Mad props to the yoga teacher and her instructions).

So I’m in the pose, there is a timer, I’m flooded with everything happening and my only thought is I got this, push through, we are almost done.

Suddenly the teacher shows up, and her legs are pushing against my legs (this is an adjustment) and she’s talking to me (don’t remember exactly what). Then her hands press up against my back and she propels my heart up, to a new level. Holy fuck. That did something. She’s saying something, probably words of encouragement, I can’t remember. She stays there, perfectly supporting me, and actually helping me break my hear wide open, in a way I don’t believe I’ve ever done. All I can do is take it in, breath, and be there.

Before I know it, the minute is over, the teacher is gone and I’m laying on my back soaking it all in.

You want to know what liberation feels like, its THAT.

I bliss out. I mean really, I’m high as a kite, done, in some other love heartfelt universe, my body is open, and I’m on cloud 9. The class ends. I don’t want to get up, but I have to get somewhere, so I do. I can’t even process what happened. So I don’t, I come into reality and move, get dressed, and do back into my day.

Later it hits me. Holy fuck. THATS what happened.

See I have a lot of childhood wounding. Call it my own suffering, sacrifice, karma, I don’t care…. but what I can tell you is I’ve never felt really supported my whole life. I’ve never ever experienced love in a supportive environment. Believe me, my mad healing process, and my own inner yoga journey has not been easy. Then again, freedom, never is.

So this teacher, she touched me this day, and did something utterly profound. Besides her yoga class, the theme, her words, her teachings, and philosophy, she supported me. That backbend I believe will forever leave my heart wide open. See the back of the heart is symbolic of how we receive and get support. She taught me that actually. Many backbends later, I’m still always working on letting love in, and accepting love from others.

In that class she left an imprint on my heart. Sitting here writing this, I still feel it. That support, that hand, that loving touch, pushing me up, helping me, inspiring me, empowering me, and reminding me that I don’t have to do this alone…. or even suffer through it. In fact, what I needed, and what I believe we all need, is the friendly reminder that a little love can go a long way, and when we help others we can leave an everlasting impression.

It’s true life comes full circle. Often we are too busy to see it, or witness is. Today reminded me that no matter what is happening in our life, there is always a reason and a way to be inspired and reminded of how lucky we are to be alive. I know darkness, I’ve had moments in my inner cave where the depth of emotion and deep suffering hit me so hard I wondered if I would make it through. There were many tears, lonely nights, periods of isolation, and my only hope that one day I’d find people to skip merrily with and journey on this crazy yellow brick road of life.

Well towards the end of my own exploration in my inner cave, I can say that life is pretty meaningless unless we have supportive and loving people in our life.

While family, friends, coworkers, and a ton of others may not accept you, love you, or treat you well, never get discouraged. Somewhere out there there are people who can help you, support you, and even show you a better road that may actually lead you to the love that you desire.

This teacher is my guru and the shining light who touched me years ago, and today we come full circle in watching each other journey into our own cave of the heart. Today she closed my chapter, helped me end my own cycle, by leaving an imprint that will forever hold me up, lift me up, and help me know I’m not alone, and in fact always supported and loved in that place.

No matter how challenging the inner cave journey has been, I can say I’ve developed strength I never knew I had. I know now that the deepest essence of love, is not in what you do, but actually, in who you touch. 

Fuck, if we could all get that, I believe our world could instant transform.

We will slowly. Like wheelpose, we all need the proper alignment, instruction, and guidance to get us there. We all need to reminder our own remarkable abilities, believe in our faith, and surrender what we think, to actually living what we know.

This is the Yoga …. The inner path, the cave, and destroying the ignorance that has robbed us of our own greatness.  If we, individually, then collectively, could be willing to dive into our heart space, then maybe, little by little, we could we could create a loving culture that loves to love, gives to help, and supports, because we know that we are all in our cave, and wanting to feel free again.

Keep your heart open.

Keep bending until you break.

Even when you break, rise up,

and never give up on what you know is inside of you.

It is my learning to be open, we can always feel free.

Our hearts can stay open, when we choose to let love lead…

 

❤ May all beings live happy and free ❤

NAMASTE.

Accepting Reality & People as they are.

I don’t know what’s harder… accepting reality, or pretending life is great.

 

Good grief. If only life was simple, easy, and welcoming.

Though I am an optimist, and I do believe in positive thinking, some days you just need to shout and say out loud FUCK, and comment on life, and what’s going on.

This real world can hurt, be confusing, unclear, and down right depressing.

I recently have had to let go of some very close people. It was not my conscious choice. I love people too much, and I deeply admire people for who they are. I value people who help me, touch my heart, and relationships that make me, shift me, and teach me.

I know, I love too deeply.

But the pain is unreal when you feel rejected, loose those you think are close to you, and disconnect from those that maybe once cared.

For me, it breaks me, beyond words, when I think I knew who matters, and realize and find out, I actually mean nothing to them.

I guess empathy is a gift and curse. I suppose we all can be cruel, unkind, and inauthentic with people.

Maybe this whole world is hocus pocus and some silly game we’re all pretending in. I mean, I wonder constantly if anyone is real anymore, and if we took away jobs, titles, and money, who would be left to care, and how would people treat people?