Dead Butterflies.

Yesterday I took a walk along the Cali coast. I walk this path often, almost daily. It’s a short and beautiful walk along the 101 in Encinitas, California, with a view of Swamis beach. Anyways, this particular day, I happen to see all sorts of dead butterflies.

I look up often when I walk. However, I couldn’t help but notice the trail of dead butterflies below me. I also didn’t want to step on them. It was peculair. I’ve never experienced so many dead butterflies.

Today I walked the same path. Opposite of yesterday, I saw an overwhelming amount of butterlifes flying along the coastline. They were everywhere. Dead butterflies were no where. The trail of dead butterflies that exsited yesterday were gone, not to be seen, or present.

As I was in a new and different state than the day before, so was my walk, and outer reality.

Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor for life? The fact that we can die in every moment, witness and experience death, yet always start fresh the next day. When death calls us, it is chaotic. Death is unsettling, uneasy, and transformative. It is death that teaches us all how to live better though. Sometimes we have to go through our own process, to die internally, leave situations, break bonds with people, and evolve beyond our perspective and experience, in order to thrive better.

Every moment there is death. We can experience the highs and lows of life, and choose how we maintain our own awarness. When death shows up what do you do? Does depression suck ya down, and do you let your mind take over? Or can you keep walking, trusting, allowing, and witness the death process that is helping you be reborn?

I think surrender is the ultimate call and solution. When death shows up, we can reject it, stay crazy in our mind, get fearful, and become sad and insecure. I’ve been there. On my walk with the dead butterflys I realized that death is the process that naturally helps us walk better. We may not know why things happen in the moment, but death lets us grow, so we can become the person we are meant to be, if we allow it.

In this moment, I’m going through my own death. I’m purging my past, I’m letting go, I’m emerging more full within my self. I’ve disconnected from emotional issues, trauma, and overcome stories of the past and from my childhood. I’ve suffered so much death the last 7+ years that it’s been unsettling. But death gives us clarity and rehabs us out of our suffering, if we trust it, and help ourselves grow.

On my walk I realized the beauty of death. Those dead butterflys were symbols of my own self, and the ego and soul that shed layers in order to die and kill off that old persona. We don’t know when our time is to go and leave this physical reality. We also don’t know how much some of us suffer in order to live better. LIke a butterfly teaches us, transformation is necessary in order to fly higher.

So I suppose that’s my lesson, and the beautiful metaphor that I witnessed on my walk in nature. A smile took my face today as I walked that same path, filled with a new perspective, and more aware of the death I was internally processing and going through.

We can only know this when we dare to turn within, excavate the possibility of becoming someone better, and let ourselves shed the layers that keep us from flying lighter and living better.

We all can trasnform our past, shift our perspective, and see the possibilities of reality and what that means within ourself. We have to become aware though.

Like butterflies take time to heal, and go into their own cacoon, as humans, we must too allow our own time to bloom. Being in our own quiet solace and enjoying our own company can help us strenghten our own beauty within. With patience, and in time, we do blossom. We can all let go of the chains holding us back. We can trust our own process  of evolution. We can walk lighter, in recognizing nature, our own connection to it, and our own ability to live with it, in harmony, and in glorious ways.

The transformation is always there, daily. We must show up for it and see it and appreciate it. We can muse within our mind our own fear and suffering. The way to rise beyond the limited physical reality, is to see the bigger picture, learn the lessons, and identify how we are part of the process, and infinitley connected to nature, ourselves, and eachother.

Be the butterfly that flys. Trust your own process. Walk your path. Shift your perspective. Let the world help you understand what you’re doing through, and your cycle, and rythm in it. Be like the butterfly that transforms. Trust the timing. Trust yourself.

Keep walking. See the magic. Connect with nature. Transform yourself by living in your reality and the beautiful metaphor and masterpiece you can be creating – in every moment.

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Facing the Confusing Reality of Love.

Love. In it’s very existence it seems like an easy topic. Something somewhat intuitive, simplistic, and easy…. yet we all know love does get complicated. No matter how much I work on myself, engage in self love, and try to pretend it doesn’t bother me, I still question what the real purpose and reality of love is.

Is it destiny or fate? Is it possible to meet a love so real, that you just know it exists without question? Or is it all fantasy and filters projecting what we want to see?

When you think about it, love is complicated and complex. I think some people, myself included, fall too easy, fall to hard, and hold a loving heart for those that pulse to a similar rhythm and vibe. Yet, I wonder if men and males experience the same thing.

The more I grow stronger within my own heart, the more I trust it, and cannot deny the special people who activate it more.

Is there such thing a love at first sight? Do we as humans, just know? Or is loved developed and more a process of getting to know one another to see if they work out in the bigger plan? Personally, I think love is an undefinable soul connection. However, we never know what that connection is meant to do to help us individually get closer to love.

I do believe love is a painful and a challenging process. Anytime we are asked to grow bigger in our heart, there are growing pains, and probably some problems. Fear can doubt us and our own filters can talk us out of love often. Love can also cause us to be impulsive and a bit silly. (very guilty of that).

Yet, I think at some level of awareness, deep down, we also know when love is present. When we reach the barriers within ourselves that can overcome the fear and programming we’ve been taught, we have no choice but to play, explore, and question what that love really is.

Lucky it is to meet another soul, who loves at the level you do, and teaches you to love better.

Love gets complicated, and usually we get in the way of love. Our mind and feelings can disrupt the real love we seek and see. As a woman, I can say I think we intuitively feel more, and probably sense that connection before the male is ever aware of it. I could be wrong of course. Or perhaps as woman, we are creating it, and the depths of our imagination are romanticizing about the love we wish to create. I’m really not sure.

I’d like to believe love is real and eternal. The love that’s meant to stick around will… even if ya fuck it up. 😉

What I’ve learned, is love comes in many forms. We don’t consciously choose who we fall for. I think we make bad mistakes in love until we are able to grow more loving in ourself. I know that first love, is never the love that’s meant to be forever. Because without lovingly embodying yourself and granting love to you, the perfect mate can’t exist, even if you think he does.

Love comes from choosing yourself, loving yourself, being yourself, and taking your life to your own level to fully create what you want, as you want it. I do believe and know the right people show up to support you, when you honor you. We don’t know who is meant to have us in our own pursuit of life, love, and happiness.

That’s all a mystery. I do believe when we are courageous enough to go after our goals, and create the foundation within ourself, somehow, the right person will meet us and match us. Perhaps I’m a dreamer and full of wishful thinking?

I recently met a man. We had a ton of synchronicity and all I can say is the universe really did conspire to bring us together. He intrigued me from the beginning, and when I really met him officially (we had some run ins before) I instantly wondered who this person was. I’ve learned my lessons in love and having a heart wide open. I have put up boundaries because of that. I’ve learned to rush less and get to know people more.

What hooked me about this guy was his ability to be real, and be himself, and something intrigued me. I guess my subconscious was manifesting a soulmate, because I’ve always wanted a man who can know me and get me and be my best friend.  After getting to know this guy as a friend, on the best level that I could, I saw a vision and it freaked me out. It was as if I woke up from my fantasy and in a moment saw that everything I ever wanted was right in front of me. Let me tell you, that creeped out!

As much as I’d love to say magical things happened between us… they didn’t really. Confusion strung me out as he went after another girl, yet continued to talk to me. Maybe he is just a nice guy. Maybe he felt nothing for me. I don’t know. Maybe he’s still contemplating in his own head the possibility of loving and however I fit into that picture. I don’t know in this moment. I do know he makes me laugh, and when he’s around my heart flutters in warmth and expands as something static comes over me, and I can’t help but feel better within myself.

I’ve reflected on what he is teaching me.He’s the first guy who’s actually accepted who I am and encouraged me in who that is. He’s a total sweetheart (from what I see). Yet, he’s not mine to have, at least now. Maybe he is an illusion, something I manifested to help me love better. I want to hope we are still working things out, yet I don’t know. If I’m lucky, i’ll get a friendship out of it, but it doesn’t seem he wants that now. So I have to help myself move on, be okay with the not knowing, and let him be. (not easy)

Maybe we will come together in the future, in a less fictions way, more real, more depth, more human connection and realness between us. I can only dream and imagine. I’d like to hope so. It’s never fun leaving things open ended, and for me, it causes more confusion.

I’ve reached the conclusion that love is probably more about the fear of loving and the desire to love, than the actual act of loving. I think we all get stuck in our own illusions and fantasies because we so deeply crave love and want to have it. I’m learning to trust in love, and allow love, no matter what the love is.

For me, the moment love hits, I can’t avoid it. As a women, and to be honest, I also don’t know what to do with it. My impulses get me every time. Sometimes I act, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I deny it. Yet, for me, those feelings don’t ever die. Even if I never see the guy again I still wonder about the love that was, if it was real, and what it meant. Maybe we don’t always get answers in love, or get to choose, or get clarity on why things happen as they do. Or maybe we are all fearful of love and our own act of expressing love gets us all afraid. Or maybe there’s a game I don’t know how to play, and we are all pawns trying to figure it out.

When we let love go, I suppose we all see, if the love is meant to be.

I do think being open in love is the best way to live with love. We can all close down, be fearful, and think we are unworthy of love. The truth is we are all worthy, yet we must believe in love ourselves, and the possibility of love.

It’s our journey to love. It’s personal, painful, unexpected, and individual to us all. Some marry fast, divorce, break up, or live forever unhappily. I believe we all have the ability to evolve and create our own happy ending. Who it’s with? Well I’m really not sure.

If love has taught me anything, it’s that every opportunity that shows up is our gift an opportunity to love deeper. Even if love doesn’t work out the way we want, or the other person leaves or restrains in fear, all we can do is continue to love. I guess we all have to trust that right love and the right things will always come back and be ours, if it’s meant to be.

“If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours”

Maybe we are all meant to love for the sake of loving, yet we forgot. Maybe we are all closed, insecure, afraid, and curious, and wanting to love, yet clueless as to how. Or maybe love just takes time. Maybe we have to trust our own process, know our hearts, feel our hearts, and express what’s there for us to explore.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is easy. Love is unexpected.

I suppose we all must do the best we can to love better. Maybe we can become more honest, more secure, more present, and more able to cherish the love we have in the moment. Or maybe we are meant to let love find us, and let the fairy tale evolve by allowing men to choose us and chase us. I’m still not sure. However, I am dreamer, and I think we all want that fairytale. For me, I know that love of all kinds can help us. Being open in love, friendly, kind, and sharing special moments can really help broken hearts heal and open hearts evolve.

So maybe the reality of love is that is that it’s present every day and in every moment. Maybe our challenge is to disregard what we’ve been taught and how it’s suppose to be. Instead of waiting or thinking, I think we all need to soften and surrender.

Then, be wiling to take a chance on love, trust our heart, and not let an opportunity go by failing to acknowledge love and be present in love.

Life moves fast. I’ve missed many opportunities in love. I think we all need to take love less seriously and choose to love because we can. When you find love, feel it, and experience it, do whatever you can to savior it. Rare is a person or love that opens our heart, makes us a better human, and connects us on deeper levels than we can imagine.

So love baby love, Quit thinking. Start doing. Explore your own ideas and fantasies around love, your heart, and the connection to your soul.

Love for the sake of loving.

The Life Changing Yoga Class

Hey Hey,

So I’m a Yogi… I mean I’ve spent far too many hours in the yoga room teaching, breathing, taking classes, and learning how to bend and touch my toes. haha. Seriously. I’m sure the yoga trend is annoying to the common man, however to me it’s been life changing.

I’ve taken many classes, experienced some teachers, and tend to have the kind of personality that sticks with WHO I like. Yup. If I resonate with you, I’ll see ya regularly. I can sincerely say, there are few teacher that I really really love and resonate with fully and completely…. however, that’s another post and long subject matter.

Today I took a class that changed my life.

Now, I have had many life changing ah-ha moments, and a ton of super feel good juicy classes that I’ve walked out of inspired. I can tell you I’ve experienced exceptional yoga classes that seem to somehow ‘hit me’ right where I needed at the moment, on that day. Today was one of those days… however, today was exceptional. It wasn’t until alter, after I basked for a few hours in the bliss that I experienced, that I realized how truly changed I had become, and am now able to reflect on the profound hour I had today.

So I walk into my friends yoga class, who had apparently forgotten that I was coming, and in the locker room she greets me with a hug, huge smile, and loud hello and shock that I showed up. Right away I felt the love, and was happier to be there. I said to her, “I’m so excited to see what you have planned for class.” hahaha. In my inner mind I intuitively knew whatever she had crafted would be what I needed to hear.

… So carry on into the yoga class, she walks in, enthusiastically and greets us and immediately gets to her point, I mean the theme of the class. She talks about the inner ‘cave’, something often unspoken, unheard of, and very foreign in this western yoga culture. While she preaches with a kind flirty attitude she tells us about this ancient yoga philosophy and how the whole point of yoga is not the outside world, but actually taking it inside. In fact, the inner yoga journey is the hardest and more challenging aspect of yoga…. hence why most people don’t go there, or any where near that ‘path’.

The inner cave that yogis speak about, is actually tuning inside ourselves and learning to reconnect to the heart. The whole purpose of yoga, to me at least, is learning how to create love inside, and how to feel those blissful sensations in every moment and every waking day, so that we can all vibe in our highest potential, which is LOVE.

(Alright, enough about that, I think that’s enough to get you centered)

Ironically, the whole class was structured around backbends. A smile lifted to my face because backhanding is my favorite thing to do in yoga… and with this specific teacher, I love it because she leads my in safely and helps me ‘go deep’. hahaha cliche I know. Seriously, there is something to be said about someone who knows how to teach yoga, properly set us up, and put us in positions that actually align and help our body. (no joke). When you can bend, and be safe, and no break, the experience is unlike anything else.

So I’m hyped up, excited, ready to open my heart and dive into my inner cave. Yes, she does just that. With a symphony of appealing music, and her own heart of gold, she leads us through some warmups, and a fast body set up and flow. In her instructions she constantly reminds us, legs strong. It wasn’t until later she brought it all together and showed us why we need our legs strong…. the legs must be strong to support and open the heart. WOW. Bliss bomb realization right there, in that moment! (Okay, you really had to be there for that one, but I post it anyways).

Are you ready for the kicker? I mean the part that changed my life?

Here it is…

After moving, shaking, bending, backhanding, and doing a totally new version of my all time favorite pose, CAMEL, we eventually reach the floor. On our backs, I thought we were done…. but no not yet. I’m ready to just be, fully tap out, close my eyes, escape, and something inside me reminds me to be present. See i have a good tendency and bad habit to tune out totally and be in my own blissful world in yoga. haha. I had to keep reminding myself to stay here, and be here now.

My teacher says, “well, we are almost done. Two rounds of wheel pose now.”

I gasp inside. Another favorite pose! I love this pose because in the past, I’ve always been able to do it and no matter how depleted I feel, I go for it anyways. Except now, I wasn’t feeling it. My arms hurt, my wrist hurt, and I had to dig to find my strength. I pushed my willpower and told myself I can do this. So I did. I pushed up into wheel, held it, felt it, cracked my heart open, and came down. I already decided I’d sit the second one out. I’m a cautious person, and I have wrist injuries and can’t do chadrungas or anything crazy on my hands. Man, were they killing. Then my teacher spoke…

I don’t know exactly what she said. I can tell you she brought the class full circle. She said one more pose, wheel. Okay, we knew that. Then she added, for a timed minute. Oh shit I thought. She went on to say, that opening the heart is not about what we do on the outside, it’s about the opening on the inside, and how devoted we can be. She used the word FORTITUDE. (Forgive me, because you had to be in the moment to witness her words and experience the real dialogue). Regardless, it obviously hit me, and motivated me. I told myself, with everything about my life, and everything that has gone wrong, and all the failures I’ve endured, I still cannot give up…. Because that is the yoga path.

It’s not linear, it’s not straight, and it certainly is not a scripted easy version of reality. In fact, the moment you veer off that other path, the one most people live, you want to turn around and run. Because roadblock and hard lessons and obstacles will hit you. You will be challenged more than you knew humanely possible. When you cross that bridge, there is NO going back. I mean, once you wake up to reality, it’s like, “fuck, why did I do this?” Okay, sorry for those who have no idea what I’m saying. Seriously, the inner path of yoga is where you take your own yellow brick road ride of life and get transformed. I mean in more ways than you know. Nothing and no one can save you, and in the darkest moments all you can do is remind yourself that one day everything will be okay…. and yes pray and chant and breathe and sincerely bow down and do whatever it takes to stay alive.

I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just letting you know, that inner cave is not found easily. However, when you get a glimpse of it, its something so surreal that something deep inside calls you and almost forces you to keep going after ‘it’. After all, no treasure is found easily, everything is always developed, designed, and discovered, after many test and trials. Okay I got off subject… back to the class….

So I get my courage and I tell myself I’m going to do it. I erase the fear based thoughts, the worries, and ignore the pain in my wrists. I go for it. I push up into bridge. The timer starts. I feel strong in the legs, open in my heart. Dam it feels liberating. Then my wrist literally feel like they are doing to break and explode. PAIN. I’m in the moment, I know I can’t quit. No way. The mat practice is a total reflection of life, and what happens outside. With what I’m going through in my own life, I knew quitting would be the old me. See, I’ve learned to become a fierce warrior…. So I carry on. Then the teacher changes the song, turns up the music, and as if we are in a movie a SOULFUL ‘take me to the river’ song plays on LOUD while we backbend and open our heart to a bigger force beyond us. (Sappy I know, but in the moment, totally persuading).

Without thinking, my own instinct has me come down to my forearms, while in wheel pose. There is probably a fancy name for this pose, I don’t know it. Imagine me in wheel pose, heart open, head back with my forearms on the ground pressing my head and chest up. I struggle at first, and then I’m actually amazzzzed I am in it. How the hell  did that happen? I shocked myself. See I’m not the flexiest yogi, and my shoulders are rarely that open. (Mad props to the yoga teacher and her instructions).

So I’m in the pose, there is a timer, I’m flooded with everything happening and my only thought is I got this, push through, we are almost done.

Suddenly the teacher shows up, and her legs are pushing against my legs (this is an adjustment) and she’s talking to me (don’t remember exactly what). Then her hands press up against my back and she propels my heart up, to a new level. Holy fuck. That did something. She’s saying something, probably words of encouragement, I can’t remember. She stays there, perfectly supporting me, and actually helping me break my hear wide open, in a way I don’t believe I’ve ever done. All I can do is take it in, breath, and be there.

Before I know it, the minute is over, the teacher is gone and I’m laying on my back soaking it all in.

You want to know what liberation feels like, its THAT.

I bliss out. I mean really, I’m high as a kite, done, in some other love heartfelt universe, my body is open, and I’m on cloud 9. The class ends. I don’t want to get up, but I have to get somewhere, so I do. I can’t even process what happened. So I don’t, I come into reality and move, get dressed, and do back into my day.

Later it hits me. Holy fuck. THATS what happened.

See I have a lot of childhood wounding. Call it my own suffering, sacrifice, karma, I don’t care…. but what I can tell you is I’ve never felt really supported my whole life. I’ve never ever experienced love in a supportive environment. Believe me, my mad healing process, and my own inner yoga journey has not been easy. Then again, freedom, never is.

So this teacher, she touched me this day, and did something utterly profound. Besides her yoga class, the theme, her words, her teachings, and philosophy, she supported me. That backbend I believe will forever leave my heart wide open. See the back of the heart is symbolic of how we receive and get support. She taught me that actually. Many backbends later, I’m still always working on letting love in, and accepting love from others.

In that class she left an imprint on my heart. Sitting here writing this, I still feel it. That support, that hand, that loving touch, pushing me up, helping me, inspiring me, empowering me, and reminding me that I don’t have to do this alone…. or even suffer through it. In fact, what I needed, and what I believe we all need, is the friendly reminder that a little love can go a long way, and when we help others we can leave an everlasting impression.

It’s true life comes full circle. Often we are too busy to see it, or witness is. Today reminded me that no matter what is happening in our life, there is always a reason and a way to be inspired and reminded of how lucky we are to be alive. I know darkness, I’ve had moments in my inner cave where the depth of emotion and deep suffering hit me so hard I wondered if I would make it through. There were many tears, lonely nights, periods of isolation, and my only hope that one day I’d find people to skip merrily with and journey on this crazy yellow brick road of life.

Well towards the end of my own exploration in my inner cave, I can say that life is pretty meaningless unless we have supportive and loving people in our life.

While family, friends, coworkers, and a ton of others may not accept you, love you, or treat you well, never get discouraged. Somewhere out there there are people who can help you, support you, and even show you a better road that may actually lead you to the love that you desire.

This teacher is my guru and the shining light who touched me years ago, and today we come full circle in watching each other journey into our own cave of the heart. Today she closed my chapter, helped me end my own cycle, by leaving an imprint that will forever hold me up, lift me up, and help me know I’m not alone, and in fact always supported and loved in that place.

No matter how challenging the inner cave journey has been, I can say I’ve developed strength I never knew I had. I know now that the deepest essence of love, is not in what you do, but actually, in who you touch. 

Fuck, if we could all get that, I believe our world could instant transform.

We will slowly. Like wheelpose, we all need the proper alignment, instruction, and guidance to get us there. We all need to reminder our own remarkable abilities, believe in our faith, and surrender what we think, to actually living what we know.

This is the Yoga …. The inner path, the cave, and destroying the ignorance that has robbed us of our own greatness.  If we, individually, then collectively, could be willing to dive into our heart space, then maybe, little by little, we could we could create a loving culture that loves to love, gives to help, and supports, because we know that we are all in our cave, and wanting to feel free again.

Keep your heart open.

Keep bending until you break.

Even when you break, rise up,

and never give up on what you know is inside of you.

It is my learning to be open, we can always feel free.

Our hearts can stay open, when we choose to let love lead…

 

❤ May all beings live happy and free ❤

NAMASTE.

Accepting Reality & People as they are.

I don’t know what’s harder… accepting reality, or pretending life is great.

 

Good grief. If only life was simple, easy, and welcoming.

Though I am an optimist, and I do believe in positive thinking, some days you just need to shout and say out loud FUCK, and comment on life, and what’s going on.

This real world can hurt, be confusing, unclear, and down right depressing.

I recently have had to let go of some very close people. It was not my conscious choice. I love people too much, and I deeply admire people for who they are. I value people who help me, touch my heart, and relationships that make me, shift me, and teach me.

I know, I love too deeply.

But the pain is unreal when you feel rejected, loose those you think are close to you, and disconnect from those that maybe once cared.

For me, it breaks me, beyond words, when I think I knew who matters, and realize and find out, I actually mean nothing to them.

I guess empathy is a gift and curse. I suppose we all can be cruel, unkind, and inauthentic with people.

Maybe this whole world is hocus pocus and some silly game we’re all pretending in. I mean, I wonder constantly if anyone is real anymore, and if we took away jobs, titles, and money, who would be left to care, and how would people treat people?

 

 

Feeling Unloved.

Everyday I wonder if the pain will ever go away. It’s gotten better, but the deep scar that was buried long ago still creates a burning flame in my belly. That emptiness continues to come around and jar at me and force me into my own manic depression at times.

Abandonment. Unloved. Feeling Alone.IMG_0814

Shit those feelings are enough to suck you down, and tear you under. There is nothing worse than not being supported. It is a wound that has affected my whole life, in positive and negative ways.

I no longer indulge in those old self sabotaging behaviors like I use to. I think more positive, I’ve shifted many beliefs, and I’ve learned to restore my connection to me. I’ve studied, I’m sought our help, I’ve gone to ‘healers’ of all kinds, wandered alone, and I’ve done my own exploration in learning how to really truly love me.

It’s not an easy path. You have to walk it alone. In the solitude you learn so much about yourself, about others, and about the world. Somewhere in those lonely feelings, you learn to grow stronger and also realize the bigger meaning of life.

Long ago I thought we were born to grow up, work, get married, and have kids. Although that sounds easy, that system does not grant you total fulfillment. Actually, thinking you need to get all that usually keeps you from getting what you really desire.

I use to wonder why I grew up in such poor conditions, and why I was not able to have a family that really loved me and supported me. As a kid I had these big dreams and high hopes, and crazy passion for all sorts of things. Trauma can damage and the outside world can influence you and tell you that you’re unworthy, unlikable, unacceptable, and unable to be yourself.

It stung me hard the day my parents separated, and my Dad left. Growing up alone, as a child, is probably the scariest thing you will ever experience. You’re taught all these morals and virtues in school about family love and loving your family. But what about when you family does not love you?

I’ll tell you in my experience, it makes you suffer. It makes you grow wounds, torment, and all sorts of limiting beliefs that cause you to catastrophes and develop in unhealthy ways. Unloved. That scar can burn you forever unless you choose to grow out of it.

That pain wrangled me as a kid. Back then, I was not allowed to voice my opinions, speak  up, and my emotional nature, was frowned upon. They say big girls don’t cry. I believe the best girls do cry. Because human empathy is the greatest gift, and something our world has lost touch with in many ways. It makes me sick to see how people treat each other, and how their own minds dictate them and cause them to behave in bad ways. The pain inflicted on me when I was young, and growing up, casted many scars.

People have called me insecure, hit me down for speaking up, and don’t like me because I tell people when they hurt me. Isn’t ironic though? We all want to feel loved, and accepted, and live in the world, yet most of us are unable to be happy with each other and actually treat each other well. Now I think it’s funny, in a sick kind of way, how humanity has developed.

Long ago I use to shield the pain, and pretend it wasn’t there.

That got me know where, and limited me in many ways. I started to grow, face my fears, and was determined to get over the pain and break free. In the process, I grew tremendously. Thought there are those rocky highs and lows, and moments when the past does resurface. I know now what it is. I confront it, I sit with it, and I have learned, every day, to continue to love me.

I was born on the planet to make a difference. I was not born to suffer. I certainly was not put here to be put down my others, or to allow others to knock me down. Most sensitive people develop all kinds of walls and blocks and ideas because others are more ruthless, angry, and mean. It’s true being sensitive, loving, kind, and empathetic, is not easy in this world.

Everyday I’m learning.

Despite what that those other people are doing, you have to love them anyway, from a distance, because they know no better. They may cause you pain, try not to take it personally. The pain is temporary, if you let yourself move through it. Holding onto the fears, or continuing to let people hurt you won’t put you in a better place.

Truthfully, you can change yourself, change your mind, and develop. You can’t change others. Those people that truly love you, and accept you, and want you in their lives, will always comes around. I believe the best people will support you for being you… with the pain, in the pain, and in the hot messy process of who you are becoming.

Keep those people around. They are the ones you want. The others don’t matter. Even if you feel lonely sometimes, know you are never alone. Those feelings are simply emotions, helping you changing, helping you move forward, and showing you what can be transformed so you can live better.

The best gift, and the best journey, anyone can be brave enough to take, is learning to love yourself. Not just treating yourself well, but really richly knowing who you are, and being fearless in becoming the best version of you. Loving you has nothing to do with your past, or partner. It has everything to do with who you are, how you show up, treat others, talk to people, and how willing you can love with an open heart.

The truest love of all is within. No one can make that, be that, or create that.

Only you can step into loving you, and let go of whatever is keeping you from that happy loving, peaceful, and great place.

Love Yourself. Know Yourself. Be Yourself.

On Happiness, dreams, & reality.

Happiness.

What is it? I remember as a kid the dreams I use to dream, and the constant thoughts and beliefs of me one day being a Hollywood super star. Yeah, I had a lot of those crazy thoughts. The world and possibilities, would run wild in my head, but also seemed so real that I really knew one day it would happen, and somehow my dreams would come true.

My life sucked as kid. I’m not kidding. I was that no filter bad ass of a child that liked to be blunt about everything. My poor single Mom who raised me. She could not handle my honestness and real raw mouth that spoke whatever I felt and saw. Ha. Yeah, my own personality got me into a lot of trouble in my younger years. But the truth is all I wanted to do as a child was have fun, be free, and be happy. That was something that was never given or granted to me. That is something I still seek, and have spent years wanting.

My dreams of happily ever after and all my Princess fairy tale fantasies died fast. No really, they did. As if I got hit my a book and knocked out, unable to wake up and get back to the reality I once held, I became stuck, depressed, unhappy, and very insecure and incomplete. I’m not afraid to say, that growing up in  world that doesn’t allow you to be you, is awful. Not being able to have privileges, like other kids have, make you seem like you are some kind of outcast and tormented child that will never get ahead. The truth no one likes to talk about is that your younger years really shape you. If you don’t have money or parents willing to volunteer, buy you nice things, or drive you to after school activities, well you really do suffer. And so I did. In many many ways.

Kali Bliss
Kali Bliss – Be Happy

My whole life I’ve yearned for happiness. I’m not joking. I’ve dreamed of the day I’d be free of the misery, the pain, and the stupid people, and parents, ruining my life. I know, awful attitude, but seriously, people can wreck you and destroy you. I’m not sure why we live with such filtered minds, and pretend like other people have no influence on us. Every single person we meet makes an impact.

 

So back to happiness, and my dreams… I always wondered why I had to live a sheltered life. I mean why wasn’t I able to explore my dreams, passions, and actively get involved in what I love? I struggled in school, high school, and more. I always tried to find my place. I couldn’t. There were no art outlets or creative groups I could genuinely be myself in. My biggest passion, photography, and being in Yearbook, were scared bad when my best friend took my dream position, after I got her on our crew. Ouch. It’s shit like that about human nature I don’t understand. Have we all lost our morals, and forgotten how to treat each other? I’m not going to lie, that one event forever tainted me and forever scared me. You can’t move on or forgive things like that easily. I don’t understand why other people enjoy ruining other peoples dreams. Just to boost my own ego, I’m going to add, the yearbook photos that year totally were not up to par.

Back to happiness and happily ever after. If we are all destined to find it, live with it, and cultivate it, why as humans do we enjoy, and usually ignorantly participate, in smashing it for others? I not get it. Why can’t we be noble, honest, and actually love each other and help each other succeed? This questions continues to baffle me and haunt me.

So later in life, I began to find my Zen by teaching Yoga. I did everything and anything for that community. Yet somehow, I was never allowed to have a prime time class, and my wage was always subjective and criticized because I did not have enough people in my class. Yet, my coworkers, some other teachers, were allowed to dishonestly check extra people in and scold students (yes in a Yoga room), and actually get more benefits. How does that make sense?

So now, with my life lessons, suffering, teachings, and wisdom, I can’t help but ask, what is the case of happiness and why do we all enjoy ruining it for others? To me, happiness is living in a peaceful environment, and having people that care for you and support you. It’s in following your heart, and going after your dreams, that you begin to forge a new understanding in the meaning of life. Yet, in doing that, someone always gets in the way. It’s almost like people don’t want others to succeed because they care more about themselves, their life, and don’t give a flying fuck about others, or what happens to them. What is up with that? How has our society gotten so stinted in that ignorant mindset and way? I really, really, don’t get it.

We all have dreams. We all want to be happy. We all want a good life. It’s funny because we all have screens, limited ideas, and see in certain ways. Somehow we all want to succeed so bad, and gain power in whatever way that is, that we often forget the people we are hurting. I have confronted people on their actions. You know, that friend who went behind my back and applied for the only position I wanted throughout my whole High school career. I never got an apology or an answer, to this day. I confronted my yoga boss who refused to give me a chance at a good yoga time slot, after I proved I could do it (on every business level). I confronted the yoga teacher who lied and continues to market herself was a master person, even though she isn’t even real or honest with anyone. What I’ve learned is people don’t care. They don’t care if you suffer with their actions or if they squander your happiness with what they choose. Usually, they actually get gratification with their own pride when you loose, and they win.

Personally, I believe in happiness and a good life. I believe when we all can work together to support that, we will all win. Life is abundant. People matter. It is not who you become or the title you have, or the numbers in you room, or paycheck. It is your own ability to live morally and sustain happiness in all that you do. Wrecking people, their dreams, their desires, and failing to help them or understand them, can cause a lot of suffering. We all hide behind whats real because often admitting to the way people behave is scary.

Happiness can only be achieved when we are all allowed to follow our hearts, and be real human – beings, that make this universe a good place to live. I’ll tell you from experience, people and their choices and actions, DO affect and sabotage others. Dreams, real dreams, are hard to go after. It’s scary to live completely free. Even though, I’ve had my many failures, catastrophes, heart breaks, and uncivilized people who have proven they are not worthy of my friendship or attention, I still forgive them for their sinful deeds. What I’ve learned most about happiness, and pursuing your dreams, is that at the end of the day, they don’t matter. If they did matter, they would show up different. But, it’s their choice, not mine, or anyone else’s.

Prenting to be someone you’re not will et you nowhere. That roadblock and stuck feeling will live you. One day you’ll look back and realize the heart you broke, the people you hurt, and the happiness that was there, if only you would have seen a different way. See our choices make an impact. Though I can’t change my childhood, people, or the crazy things I continue to experience in my life, I can continue to chase my dreams. Happiness is not held in what appears to be real.

Real happiness, for me, has come from letting go off all those phonies that don’t deserve to be in my life. It’s come from exploring, getting out of that bad box of other peoples influence, and really finding my own joy. After years of suffering, I can tell you, the only way to be happy, is to find it in yourself. When you find it, and you know true joy, and what its like to be happy and blissful for no reason at all, then you will know what living is. And those people that once mattered, will disappear.

All you need to be happy is you. When you are a dreamer, chasing your heart’s desire, going after what feed you, and being relentless in whoever steps in your way…. then… maybe… you start to understand liberation. Happiness is not dollars, people, friends, or whatever you’re doing. Happiness is only found within you. The more you cultivate that, and believe that… the more it shows up, if you’re willing.

One day, you’re destined to find true happiness. The question is if you’re willing to find it, understand it, and actually live with it…. not just for You, but for everyone around.

Happiness is a way of living, being, and sharing with one another.

 

 

 

 

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