Category: namaste

Love.

A funny subject, I think we all are quick to think to know and eager to grasp to have. When you step back and stop seeking or trying to get love, you begin to evaluate the deeper meaning of the word.

Love is more than partnership, romance, holding hands, or anything that has to do with having another person.

Love is so much more.

What I’ve learned, is that until we are willing to let go of those old fairy tale concepts of love, we will never attain real love.

That emptiness and longing deep inside will continue to stir us and eat us alive, as we ignorantly ignore the inner call of our heart, and surrender to our desires. Our mind will validate a million reasons on why we need to keep the person around, and why it has to work, and why they are the one…. yet they will never be the perfect happy ever after we dreamed of — until we individually tap into our own true heart, and understand who and what that is.

Love is abandoned the moment we are caught up in the mind. Our fear and inner desires will caught us to chase love and hold love because we subconsciously think we need love to survive.

What’s worse, is we miss the love we crave until we are able to forge that deep connection, dive in, and expand our awareness in order to live fuller from the heart.

Believe me, this is a scary and intense process. No one ever teaches us to live from the heart, let alone, allows us to be ourself fully. I do think the hardest human thing to do is to own your authenticity and step out of the patterns and self loathing traps we all put ourselves in. What I mean is, the minute we seek love from another, and chase love, and force our way into love, we automatically abandon our opportunity of real love. Often, we get so stuck in toxic relationships that we fail to see where we are in fact flawed and the walls and issues that are causing us to withhold love. In this process, we usually hurt other people.

For example, someone in my close family is getting married this year. I have yet to receive an invite. Yet, I’m being optimistic I may get an invite or save the date, last minute. Who knows. See this gal he found claims to love him, yet won’t allow him to be with his family. In fact, they’ve both said some mean things about us and refuse to come around for holidays, and blame a certain family member for most of their problems. It’s sad for me being the witness and watching how much destruction this girl is causing everyone. She won’t admit it or acknowledge it. In her lens of reality, she’s perfect and did not thing wrong. Unfortunately, with my psychology background, I see different. Her insecurities and the internal wounds she holds will continue to have her think she’s a victim of the world, and she will continue to blame other people for her reactions and rude behaviors. It’s ironic that she thinks she can wed and mature with a wedding, when she can’t even have a conversation without getting defensive, reactive, or hurting the other person.

It’s this kind of loveless behavior that makes me cringe. While we humans often think love is about getting the guy and creating a family, we usually miss out on actually reading love within first. Our ego gets so full of ourself we lust, act out, defend, and react, to get the love we think we need. Instead of loving ourselves, growing into ourselves, and becoming loving people, we cling the a fantasy of what we think will save us and make us secure.

Sorry ladies and gents, that kind of thinking won’t work. Especially women, any girl that’s relying on a man to save them and take care of them forever is totally obvious to reality. People suffer and divorce when they close their heart and fail to love openly, lovingly, and peacefully.

To develop love it takes more than a partnership. We all must develop it within. No easy task though, to face your shadows, deal with your demons and admit you’re flaws. Self love is not a normal human thang. Probably cuz it’s easier to avoid. However, we can only rely on ourselves to unlimitedly give us love forever.

Even when the hype of marriage is over, the wedding bill comes, the honeymoon phase is done, and the kids have grown old, hopefully, if you’re lucky and did love well, you still have a lasting relationship and fulfilling life. Unfortunately that’s rare in this world. We have been so conditioned out of love, I believe, most of us are clueless in how to live with it. We continue to act out our subconscious fears, settle for love, and fear love. In our own insane search for the partner and romance, we usually suffer and give into what our heart is really saying. We ignore the call saying there is someone better, and settle for a limited deadline to happy ever after. This goes for kids too. We want what we want and we do whatever we can to get it, thinking we are in control and can manipulate our reality to obtain our desires.

While this seems dandy and great in the moment. It causes long term consequences. If you’re not willing to love and create love and develop love, chances are the foundation you have is rocky and faulty. We all must take it upon ourselves to learn to love better and become more open. We can listen with open hears, hear people, change our perspective, and become more loving people. That is, only if and when we are able to open our mind, surrender our ego, and attempt to bridge a connection with our heart.

It is the heart that loves. It is the heart that tells us the truth. The problem is we get stuck in the head. We live our life for the purpose of getting the fairy tale, only to find our own mind filters deceive us and people we think we our soulmate never seem to fit that role forever. The secret to love, is knowing we have many soulmates. Settling on one is silly. Yet, missing you chance to love and open your heart to another person, leaves you in the same unloving state. We all must take chances with love. It’s not easy. We will cry, get out her broken, wonder why, and mess up. Yet, I’ve learned, that not loving is the biggest sin of all.

Living a life where we are isolated, closed off, disconnected, and upset, causes depression and suffering. To love takes courage. Not everyone is ready to open their heart fully. I think we have to practice who we love and how. I do believe everyone wants love, though most are fearful of it. If not that, they are terrified of loosing love, being themselves and having to face themselves and their unloving pieces. The prison is all of ours to have and act out in this lifetime.

Which will you choose? Love or fear? Can we maintain a connected state, rather than disconnecting, closing down, and falling into those patterns that serve no one. To love another human being, whether it’s a mate, friend, stranger, student, teacher, or more, is a gift. Those gifts come and go if we let them. It’s healthy to have an open heart, remain unattached about what love needs to look like, and instead start living love.

I mean in every moment. Keep your heart open, keep your fears at ease. Cultivate love because you can. When that heart gets hurt, keep breathing, and love more. Honor the soul inside who dared to do what others can’t, and tried to love, even if people were closed off and unwilling to love. Love can change us all. It’s a matter of recognizing our humanness, knowing we are all trying to figure it out, and gaining perspective to help us. Connecting to another soul, a human heart, is how we love better and can deepen the love we hold and give.

Love on. Love fearlessly. Love endlessly. Never stop loving.

Let those specials souls come into your life, and love for the sake of loving…

Everyone in their life faces a moment, or perhaps many, when sorrow, depression, and other demons arise. Most people bypass them and ignore them. Our society is set up to numb, ignore, and do everything but confront the demons that often are drowning us and keeping us from happiness.

Yet, contrary to what we are taught, it is in acknowledging those demons we are actually able to grow and overcome the fear that failures that are keeping us from living fuller and better.

What’s haunting you? We have many layers of our being. Mental, emotional, physical, and a deep subconscious that harbors all sorts of garbage. All of it holds us back in life, if we let it.

When these feelings, mental agitations, and emotions come up, we have a choice – to confront, feel, and allow – or – to disconnect, suppress, and ignore. For some this is also the que to take some medications and run to the dr for help. There is no easy remedy when we are faced to deal with ourselves, and confront the layers within us that are keeping us stuck, unhappy, heavy, and insincere.

Too often when these demons get triggered we react and respond out of agitation. It’s also normal to run the other way, ignore, and fail to confront the real problem. When we blame others or think it’s someone else, we actually fail to resolve our own insecurity and issues. Ironic right? We think people trigger us and we label them as bad. Our own judgment and thoughts on how life should be and people should behave cause us to get agitated and let our demons control us. Those are the demons… and the issues… that keep us from having a real open mind.

We may suffer forever, cause separation, live isolated, and continue to wonder how we can improve our life, relationships, body, self, unless we are willing to see our demons, identify our strengths and weaknesses, and integrate our whole self into our best self.

We all have issues and problems. No person on the planet is perfect. It is our imperfections that actually help us, if we can overcome things and not get trapped and stuck. It can be scary to feel into ourselves, who we are, and see our darkness. Yet, to live better, we must battle the demons, and help ourselves live better. Sorrow and sadness can be overcome. It’s actually easy once you break through the barrier of fear and learn how to live well. Every step we take to resolve the unconscious and act different, and break the habits, help us in our own journey of bettering ourselves.

The wounds and insecurities and darkness will constantly eat at us and kill us from the inside out. We all can overcome the battle, and resolve the barriers that may be keeping our heart from fully loving and fully allowing. Love does begins with us. If we are not in that state yet or receiving it from the external world, we all can kill the demons, conquer our fears and insecurities, and overcome anything that is keeping us from living happy, feeling loved, and enjoying our life and who we are.

Kill the demons. Let go. Let fear be stabbed because you chose to move into a state of growth. Rather than seeing things as lessons, change the pattern, do something different, and know those mental things and other people are never the ones that are keeping us from peace and love. The demons will continue to be there, until we acknowledge them, integrate them, and find inner balance and harmony so we can live with them and even let them go.

I’ve been caught in the turmoil and highs and lows of love a lot. I’ve learned a lot each time. You know, even those toxic partnerships can show you a lot about yourself and teach you. Yet, even with the heart breaks, I still continue to experience the pain and growth when it comes to love.

Even when you do the work on yourself, commit to loving you, open your heart, and comfort our demons, there are always issues with love.

For me I use to reject love all the time. I’d miss out on opportunities, get lost in the future, and forget about living in the present. Often own fantasy would play our in my mind in how people and partners need to be. In my own feminine state, I’d stay silent, reserved, and never speak my feelings and share myself bigger with another person. Wow, hard lesson learned. However, I do grow through love, and have become less fearful, more open, and loving.

For better and worse, it scars people. Sometimes being too open and connected to the heart causes others fear. That’s a more painful state than ever being ignorant of love.

So I don’t know what the answer of love is. Can we be vulnerable and open human beings? Does love show up to help us? I believe it. Is there fate or freewill in love? Or are we all wanting love, and unable to know how to get it, attract it, and live with it? Are we mere players in this field, trying to get a love that doesn’t exists. Perhaps we settle because the deep love we crave and want is too complicated. Facing our own fears, creating depth, and emotional intimacy is far from what we learned or are willing to connect to.

Hmmm….I still don’t know. I do know that love cannot be seen or felt until we are internally willing to tap into it. We can miss a lot of opportunities when we are disconnected. We can put blinders on, make excuses, and settle for love because it’s easy. Avoiding love, or our heart, and intimacy, never ever gets us the love we really desire, or a love that lasts long term.

Loving fully is not easy. It’s worth it though. Being able to be embodied in yourself, your emotions, your truth, without fearing or missing an opportunity, is the most loving thing you can do for you. Even when the other person runs, refuses to respond, or negates and ghosts ya, you can know in your heart you attempted to create love when the opportunity showed up.

For me, it’s actually finding love and experiencing it internally that messes me up. When love shows up and we are unable to connect, communicate, and come together – it is the most painful and confusing thing of all. It hurts. It hurts when partners and people can’t see their glory, or are unwilling to dive deep into themselves. I see soul, and I know love when it shows up, and its a heartfelt reminder of the love that exists beyond time and space. Even if i this reality, people and partners don’t come together, there are always moments and souls that remind us of our greatness, force us to confront our darkness, and show us how to love better.

Personally, if you have a soul mate that allows you to be you, and reminds you of who you are, then I think that’s gold. Whether or not they last forever or are able to love ya on deeper levels, stay grateful. Allow the pain of them leaving to move through you, release attachment, stay in the moment, and know we are only capable of loving as we dare to love ourselves, and be open for others to love us too.

The pain and heartbreak is a lesson. Crying helps move the emotions. Yet, it never means love is lost. We may never get the truth or answer, and those mysteries and questions in our mind may remain forever. For it is the fear of loving and the not knowing, that confuses love. A heart can feel, know, and see, yet with out the experience and communication and speaking of love with others, it all remains a painful confusing thing. I suppose it’s easier to let that kind of love go, near confront our hearts, and live life without expression because it’s what we know.

I think love is better. Love is worthwhile. Even with pain, we can help each other love better, if we are willing.

I don’t know what’s harder… accepting reality, or pretending life is great.

 

Good grief. If only life was simple, easy, and welcoming.

Though I am an optimist, and I do believe in positive thinking, some days you just need to shout and say out loud FUCK, and comment on life, and what’s going on.

This real world can hurt, be confusing, unclear, and down right depressing.

I recently have had to let go of some very close people. It was not my conscious choice. I love people too much, and I deeply admire people for who they are. I value people who help me, touch my heart, and relationships that make me, shift me, and teach me.

I know, I love too deeply.

But the pain is unreal when you feel rejected, loose those you think are close to you, and disconnect from those that maybe once cared.

For me, it breaks me, beyond words, when I think I knew who matters, and realize and find out, I actually mean nothing to them.

I guess empathy is a gift and curse. I suppose we all can be cruel, unkind, and inauthentic with people.

Maybe this whole world is hocus pocus and some silly game we’re all pretending in. I mean, I wonder constantly if anyone is real anymore, and if we took away jobs, titles, and money, who would be left to care, and how would people treat people?

 

 

Happiness.

What is it? I remember as a kid the dreams I use to dream, and the constant thoughts and beliefs of me one day being a Hollywood super star. Yeah, I had a lot of those crazy thoughts. The world and possibilities, would run wild in my head, but also seemed so real that I really knew one day it would happen, and somehow my dreams would come true.

My life sucked as kid. I’m not kidding. I was that no filter bad ass of a child that liked to be blunt about everything. My poor single Mom who raised me. She could not handle my honestness and real raw mouth that spoke whatever I felt and saw. Ha. Yeah, my own personality got me into a lot of trouble in my younger years. But the truth is all I wanted to do as a child was have fun, be free, and be happy. That was something that was never given or granted to me. That is something I still seek, and have spent years wanting.

My dreams of happily ever after and all my Princess fairy tale fantasies died fast. No really, they did. As if I got hit my a book and knocked out, unable to wake up and get back to the reality I once held, I became stuck, depressed, unhappy, and very insecure and incomplete. I’m not afraid to say, that growing up in  world that doesn’t allow you to be you, is awful. Not being able to have privileges, like other kids have, make you seem like you are some kind of outcast and tormented child that will never get ahead. The truth no one likes to talk about is that your younger years really shape you. If you don’t have money or parents willing to volunteer, buy you nice things, or drive you to after school activities, well you really do suffer. And so I did. In many many ways.

My whole life I’ve yearned for happiness. I’m not joking. I’ve dreamed of the day I’d be free of the misery, the pain, and the stupid people, and parents, ruining my life. I know, awful attitude, but seriously, people can wreck you and destroy you. I’m not sure why we live with such filtered minds, and pretend like other people have no influence on us. Every single person we meet makes an impact.

 

So back to happiness, and my dreams… I always wondered why I had to live a sheltered life. I mean why wasn’t I able to explore my dreams, passions, and actively get involved in what I love? I struggled in school, high school, and more. I always tried to find my place. I couldn’t. There were no art outlets or creative groups I could genuinely be myself in. My biggest passion, photography, and being in Yearbook, were scared bad when my best friend took my dream position, after I got her on our crew. Ouch. It’s shit like that about human nature I don’t understand. Have we all lost our morals, and forgotten how to treat each other? I’m not going to lie, that one event forever tainted me and forever scared me. You can’t move on or forgive things like that easily. I don’t understand why other people enjoy ruining other peoples dreams. Just to boost my own ego, I’m going to add, the yearbook photos that year totally were not up to par.

Back to happiness and happily ever after. If we are all destined to find it, live with it, and cultivate it, why as humans do we enjoy, and usually ignorantly participate, in smashing it for others? I not get it. Why can’t we be noble, honest, and actually love each other and help each other succeed? This questions continues to baffle me and haunt me.

So later in life, I began to find my Zen by teaching Yoga. I did everything and anything for that community. Yet somehow, I was never allowed to have a prime time class, and my wage was always subjective and criticized because I did not have enough people in my class. Yet, my coworkers, some other teachers, were allowed to dishonestly check extra people in and scold students (yes in a Yoga room), and actually get more benefits. How does that make sense?

So now, with my life lessons, suffering, teachings, and wisdom, I can’t help but ask, what is the case of happiness and why do we all enjoy ruining it for others? To me, happiness is living in a peaceful environment, and having people that care for you and support you. It’s in following your heart, and going after your dreams, that you begin to forge a new understanding in the meaning of life. Yet, in doing that, someone always gets in the way. It’s almost like people don’t want others to succeed because they care more about themselves, their life, and don’t give a flying fuck about others, or what happens to them. What is up with that? How has our society gotten so stinted in that ignorant mindset and way? I really, really, don’t get it.

We all have dreams. We all want to be happy. We all want a good life. It’s funny because we all have screens, limited ideas, and see in certain ways. Somehow we all want to succeed so bad, and gain power in whatever way that is, that we often forget the people we are hurting. I have confronted people on their actions. You know, that friend who went behind my back and applied for the only position I wanted throughout my whole High school career. I never got an apology or an answer, to this day. I confronted my yoga boss who refused to give me a chance at a good yoga time slot, after I proved I could do it (on every business level). I confronted the yoga teacher who lied and continues to market herself was a master person, even though she isn’t even real or honest with anyone. What I’ve learned is people don’t care. They don’t care if you suffer with their actions or if they squander your happiness with what they choose. Usually, they actually get gratification with their own pride when you loose, and they win.

Personally, I believe in happiness and a good life. I believe when we all can work together to support that, we will all win. Life is abundant. People matter. It is not who you become or the title you have, or the numbers in you room, or paycheck. It is your own ability to live morally and sustain happiness in all that you do. Wrecking people, their dreams, their desires, and failing to help them or understand them, can cause a lot of suffering. We all hide behind whats real because often admitting to the way people behave is scary.

Happiness can only be achieved when we are all allowed to follow our hearts, and be real human – beings, that make this universe a good place to live. I’ll tell you from experience, people and their choices and actions, DO affect and sabotage others. Dreams, real dreams, are hard to go after. It’s scary to live completely free. Even though, I’ve had my many failures, catastrophes, heart breaks, and uncivilized people who have proven they are not worthy of my friendship or attention, I still forgive them for their sinful deeds. What I’ve learned most about happiness, and pursuing your dreams, is that at the end of the day, they don’t matter. If they did matter, they would show up different. But, it’s their choice, not mine, or anyone else’s.

Prenting to be someone you’re not will et you nowhere. That roadblock and stuck feeling will live you. One day you’ll look back and realize the heart you broke, the people you hurt, and the happiness that was there, if only you would have seen a different way. See our choices make an impact. Though I can’t change my childhood, people, or the crazy things I continue to experience in my life, I can continue to chase my dreams. Happiness is not held in what appears to be real.

Real happiness, for me, has come from letting go off all those phonies that don’t deserve to be in my life. It’s come from exploring, getting out of that bad box of other peoples influence, and really finding my own joy. After years of suffering, I can tell you, the only way to be happy, is to find it in yourself. When you find it, and you know true joy, and what its like to be happy and blissful for no reason at all, then you will know what living is. And those people that once mattered, will disappear.

All you need to be happy is you. When you are a dreamer, chasing your heart’s desire, going after what feed you, and being relentless in whoever steps in your way…. then… maybe… you start to understand liberation. Happiness is not dollars, people, friends, or whatever you’re doing. Happiness is only found within you. The more you cultivate that, and believe that… the more it shows up, if you’re willing.

One day, you’re destined to find true happiness. The question is if you’re willing to find it, understand it, and actually live with it…. not just for You, but for everyone around.

Happiness is a way of living, being, and sharing with one another.