What is it? I remember as a kid the dreams I use to dream, and the constant thoughts and beliefs of me one day being a Hollywood super star. Yeah, I had a lot of those crazy thoughts. The world and possibilities, would run wild in my head, but also seemed so real that I really knew one day it would happen, and somehow my dreams would come true.
My life sucked as kid. I’m not kidding. I was that no filter bad ass of a child that liked to be blunt about everything. My poor single Mom who raised me. She could not handle my honestness and real raw mouth that spoke whatever I felt and saw. Ha. Yeah, my own personality got me into a lot of trouble in my younger years. But the truth is all I wanted to do as a child was have fun, be free, and be happy. That was something that was never given or granted to me. That is something I still seek, and have spent years wanting.
My dreams of happily ever after and all my Princess fairy tale fantasies died fast. No really, they did. As if I got hit my a book and knocked out, unable to wake up and get back to the reality I once held, I became stuck, depressed, unhappy, and very insecure and incomplete. I’m not afraid to say, that growing up in world that doesn’t allow you to be you, is awful. Not being able to have privileges, like other kids have, make you seem like you are some kind of outcast and tormented child that will never get ahead. The truth no one likes to talk about is that your younger years really shape you. If you don’t have money or parents willing to volunteer, buy you nice things, or drive you to after school activities, well you really do suffer. And so I did. In many many ways.
My whole life I’ve yearned for happiness. I’m not joking. I’ve dreamed of the day I’d be free of the misery, the pain, and the stupid people, and parents, ruining my life. I know, awful attitude, but seriously, people can wreck you and destroy you. I’m not sure why we live with such filtered minds, and pretend like other people have no influence on us. Every single person we meet makes an impact.
So back to happiness, and my dreams… I always wondered why I had to live a sheltered life. I mean why wasn’t I able to explore my dreams, passions, and actively get involved in what I love? I struggled in school, high school, and more. I always tried to find my place. I couldn’t. There were no art outlets or creative groups I could genuinely be myself in. My biggest passion, photography, and being in Yearbook, were scared bad when my best friend took my dream position, after I got her on our crew. Ouch. It’s shit like that about human nature I don’t understand. Have we all lost our morals, and forgotten how to treat each other? I’m not going to lie, that one event forever tainted me and forever scared me. You can’t move on or forgive things like that easily. I don’t understand why other people enjoy ruining other peoples dreams. Just to boost my own ego, I’m going to add, the yearbook photos that year totally were not up to par.
Back to happiness and happily ever after. If we are all destined to find it, live with it, and cultivate it, why as humans do we enjoy, and usually ignorantly participate, in smashing it for others? I not get it. Why can’t we be noble, honest, and actually love each other and help each other succeed? This questions continues to baffle me and haunt me.
So later in life, I began to find my Zen by teaching Yoga. I did everything and anything for that community. Yet somehow, I was never allowed to have a prime time class, and my wage was always subjective and criticized because I did not have enough people in my class. Yet, my coworkers, some other teachers, were allowed to dishonestly check extra people in and scold students (yes in a Yoga room), and actually get more benefits. How does that make sense?
So now, with my life lessons, suffering, teachings, and wisdom, I can’t help but ask, what is the case of happiness and why do we all enjoy ruining it for others? To me, happiness is living in a peaceful environment, and having people that care for you and support you. It’s in following your heart, and going after your dreams, that you begin to forge a new understanding in the meaning of life. Yet, in doing that, someone always gets in the way. It’s almost like people don’t want others to succeed because they care more about themselves, their life, and don’t give a flying fuck about others, or what happens to them. What is up with that? How has our society gotten so stinted in that ignorant mindset and way? I really, really, don’t get it.
We all have dreams. We all want to be happy. We all want a good life. It’s funny because we all have screens, limited ideas, and see in certain ways. Somehow we all want to succeed so bad, and gain power in whatever way that is, that we often forget the people we are hurting. I have confronted people on their actions. You know, that friend who went behind my back and applied for the only position I wanted throughout my whole High school career. I never got an apology or an answer, to this day. I confronted my yoga boss who refused to give me a chance at a good yoga time slot, after I proved I could do it (on every business level). I confronted the yoga teacher who lied and continues to market herself was a master person, even though she isn’t even real or honest with anyone. What I’ve learned is people don’t care. They don’t care if you suffer with their actions or if they squander your happiness with what they choose. Usually, they actually get gratification with their own pride when you loose, and they win.
Personally, I believe in happiness and a good life. I believe when we all can work together to support that, we will all win. Life is abundant. People matter. It is not who you become or the title you have, or the numbers in you room, or paycheck. It is your own ability to live morally and sustain happiness in all that you do. Wrecking people, their dreams, their desires, and failing to help them or understand them, can cause a lot of suffering. We all hide behind whats real because often admitting to the way people behave is scary.
Happiness can only be achieved when we are all allowed to follow our hearts, and be real human – beings, that make this universe a good place to live. I’ll tell you from experience, people and their choices and actions, DO affect and sabotage others. Dreams, real dreams, are hard to go after. It’s scary to live completely free. Even though, I’ve had my many failures, catastrophes, heart breaks, and uncivilized people who have proven they are not worthy of my friendship or attention, I still forgive them for their sinful deeds. What I’ve learned most about happiness, and pursuing your dreams, is that at the end of the day, they don’t matter. If they did matter, they would show up different. But, it’s their choice, not mine, or anyone else’s.
Prenting to be someone you’re not will et you nowhere. That roadblock and stuck feeling will live you. One day you’ll look back and realize the heart you broke, the people you hurt, and the happiness that was there, if only you would have seen a different way. See our choices make an impact. Though I can’t change my childhood, people, or the crazy things I continue to experience in my life, I can continue to chase my dreams. Happiness is not held in what appears to be real.
Real happiness, for me, has come from letting go off all those phonies that don’t deserve to be in my life. It’s come from exploring, getting out of that bad box of other peoples influence, and really finding my own joy. After years of suffering, I can tell you, the only way to be happy, is to find it in yourself. When you find it, and you know true joy, and what its like to be happy and blissful for no reason at all, then you will know what living is. And those people that once mattered, will disappear.
All you need to be happy is you. When you are a dreamer, chasing your heart’s desire, going after what feed you, and being relentless in whoever steps in your way…. then… maybe… you start to understand liberation. Happiness is not dollars, people, friends, or whatever you’re doing. Happiness is only found within you. The more you cultivate that, and believe that… the more it shows up, if you’re willing.
One day, you’re destined to find true happiness. The question is if you’re willing to find it, understand it, and actually live with it…. not just for You, but for everyone around.
Happiness is a way of living, being, and sharing with one another.