I don’t know what’s harder… accepting reality, or pretending life is great.
Good grief. If only life was simple, easy, and welcoming.
Though I am an optimist, and I do believe in positive thinking, some days you just need to shout and say out loud FUCK, and comment on life, and what’s going on.
This real world can hurt, be confusing, unclear, and down right depressing.
I recently have had to let go of some very close people. It was not my conscious choice. I love people too much, and I deeply admire people for who they are. I value people who help me, touch my heart, and relationships that make me, shift me, and teach me.
I know, I love too deeply.
But the pain is unreal when you feel rejected, loose those you think are close to you, and disconnect from those that maybe once cared.
For me, it breaks me, beyond words, when I think I knew who matters, and realize and find out, I actually mean nothing to them.
I guess empathy is a gift and curse. I suppose we all can be cruel, unkind, and inauthentic with people.
Maybe this whole world is hocus pocus and some silly game we’re all pretending in. I mean, I wonder constantly if anyone is real anymore, and if we took away jobs, titles, and money, who would be left to care, and how would people treat people?
Okay, so I suppose you’re not wondering what the hell I’m talking about…
I know I may seem neurotic, a bit emotional, and somewhat insane.
I’ll explain… See I joined a yoga ‘community’ over six years ago. I met new people, I formed connections, and I thought I was developing real friends. I changed a lot within those yoga walls, and in the process I also began teaching, working, and engaging more in that scene. I sincerely believed in the power of Yoga, people, and the amazing friendships I was making.
Well flash forward, and later I realize most of those people really don’t care that much about me, or can lend a helping hand when I needed them most. I guess it’s true society and people pretend to be whoever they want, and you just never really know who truly loves you.
When life throws you curve balls, and you have no one, and you become helpless, and need support, you begin to realize who really matters.
I told myself to think positive, I convinced myself of all sorts of beliefs and lies, and I tried so hard to continue to fit into that community. Every day I showed up I got slapped down, criticized, and condoned. My feelings, they are precious, and those words they hurt. I don’t know why because all I’ve done is give endlessly, and kindly to everyone.
I guess it’s true that honesty and kindness doesn’t matter, and all people care about is your appearance and business profile, and saving their own job.
I thought I knew certain people. I thought I got to know coworkers, and friends, on a deeper level. Then I come to find out I don’t matter at all.
Ouch, that kind of pain hurts.
When you dedicate your life to a cause, think you’re in a community, and believe people have your back, and realize they don’t…. that pain is enough to break you, and make you want to hit, slam, and die. I know dramatic, but my love runs deep.
I’ve had so many let downs, heart breaks, lies, and unfortunate disasters.
The last thing I ever expected was to get let down, from those that I thought were closest to me. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked out of your own tribe. Or feeling rejected from those you gave your everything to. As much as i want to tell the happy story, and be a part of that community, I suppose waking up is the hardest part.
Oh I grieve.
I scream, I feel deep, and I continue to ponder… Because I don’t have answers. I wish I did. It may make things easier, more explainable, and it may help mask the feelings and empathy from knowing those people and women you thought once loved you, really don’t care at all. I’m learning to let go. Care less. Forget about all those memories, people, and talks that I’ve had, and those relationships I nurtured. I breathe deep in trying to move on and pretend it all never mattered… because to me, it did.
I can’t stop crying.
I’ve tried to put it past me.
Sometimes reality, isn’t what it seems.
I suppose we can never know who really has your back, or is loving and on your team.